


Saudade

by TeamGallifreeWill



Series: A Touch of Normal [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bad tagger, Canon Divergence- but not entirely, Catching Up, It gets better I swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 15:18:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14428338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamGallifreeWill/pseuds/TeamGallifreeWill





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

 

Dean’s walking by when he hears the ringing of one of their old phones. “Hello?”

“I got this number a while back from Bobby Singer. He told me to call if I ever needed anything… well. I think I do. I’m headed to the cabin and I can’t get a hold of him. Tell him it’s A,” the caller hangs up.

“What the?” Dean says to himself.

"Hey Sam!” He calls through the bunker as he looks at his phone.

“Yeah?”

“I just got a call from some girl looking for Bobby…,” he says still unsure.

“She didn’t know he,” he stops himself.

“Guess not. Says she’s going to the cabin. Do you know of any cabin?”

“No… wait, didn’t Rufus have a cabin?”

“If it were Rufus’s wouldn’t she be asking for him?”

“True… but that’s not really specific. I mean, is it her cabin, his, just someplace they would meet up?”

“Yeah, something’s telling me we should look through Bobby’s journal.”

“Dean, just call her back and ask her. Have you forgotten how a phone works?”

“Shuddup. She called from a blocked number. All she gave for a name was A too. So look through the journal and see if there’s anything in there about her or a cabin,” he says as he turns to leave.

“Dean, we have no idea who that was. Are you sure?”

“She said Bobby gave her the number and that she needed help. Yeah, I’m sure.”

Sam gets up and walks to the bookcase, after a second he pulls an old leather bound book from a shelf. Walking back over to the table he crosses his legs and starts flipping through.

A few minutes later Dean walks back into the library with his laptop. “Any luck?”

“Not really. There’s a short entry about a girl, A, that he contacted during the Apocalypse for Angel info. Says she gave him a stack of books, and then seemed to vanish. All in the first few months after you got back. That’s as far as I’ve gotten so far.

“Wait, this girl knew about the Apocalypse? And Angels? Why didn’t we know this?!”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t even have how they met,” Sam takes a minute then looks up at his brother still pacing. “Guessing no luck tracing the call?” at the huff he continues, “Should we ask Cas? I mean.. If she had info about Angels, and obviously accurate info at that, if the books were the same ones we read back then, maybe they knew about her,” he swallows. “Maybe that’s why she disappeared?”

Dean stops pacing. “Yeah… but if it’s the same girl than she obviously wasn’t taken out by the God Squad. Keep reading. I’m gonna ask Cas.”

 

Walking into the kitchen Dean suddenly has to smile. Cas is standing in the middle of a white powder covered counters, no jacket, shirt sleeves rolled up, and hands that were obviously just running through his hair, resting on his hips. “Ah, Cas?”

“Yes Dean,” he turns to face the hunter and Dean can see that the front of him is covered in the white powder as well. Turning also gives Dean a clear view of other things on the counter.

“Um, what’re you up to?” he says trying to hide a laugh.

Cas lets out a loud sigh. “I WAS trying to bake a pie. It’s much harder than I thought.” Suddenly he’s looking at Dean accusingly, “Is this why you always buy them?!”

The laugh he was holding in breaks free. “That and we’re usually not home long enough for something like that. Or when we are, we’re too tired. Why’re you making one though?”

“Because you like them. And I’m trying to find things i’m good at without my Grace helping.”

Worry takes over Dean, “But Cas, you have your Grace, right? You’re not fading out again are you?”

“No Dean, just a precaution. Most things up until now have been fairly simple so I, as you say, raised the bar,” he says smugly, but then remembers he’s failed attempt behind him and sags a bit.

“So you went with baking? Yeah, gonna pretend that’s totally normal. Listen, clean up, everything, and then meet us in the library. Something just came up and need ya” he turns shaking his head and walking back to the library. “Angel of the freakin Lord,” he mumbles to himself.

“I heard that,” comes from behind him in the kitchen.

 

As he enters he’s hit with an excited Sam. “Okay, so A makes another appearance. She, um, she called when I was detoxing from demon blood in the panic room. Bobby said,” he starts flipping back a couple pages, “here. ‘I’m worried about her. She’s gotta be about Sam’s age and doesn’t seem like she’s got anyone. It’s too dangerous out there for that. Why won’t she just listen to me? I swear she’s as hard-headed as Dean. The four of them would make a hell of a team, if only she’d agree. Lost count of how many times she’s shot it down though,’ Bobby must’ve really liked her, and really wanted her to meet us.”

“Then why the hell didn’t he ever tell us?”

“Who are you talking about?” Castiel enters the library.

“Some girl just called Dean, said she was A looking for Bobby, and then hung up.”

“That’s odd. Bobby’s been dead for years. If they were close wouldn’t she have known?”

“Yeah, apparently not. She also never seems to give him her real name,” says Dean.

“Is this what you wanted to talk about?”

“Yeah, she apparently knew about the Apocalypse and accurate Angel info. Was wondering if there was a chance you remember anything about that time that might help us figure out who she is.”

“I see. What info do you have on her so far?”

“Well,” Sam starts.

“Name is ‘A’, knows Bobby, knows Angels, possibly knows us, or at least about us, and was given our number,” Dean continues. “Oh and she and Bobby would meet at a cabin somewhere.”

“That doesn’t help much at all,” Cas deadpans.

“Yeah, got that Sherlock. Thanks.”

“Guys wait! Here! It’s an entry from when we were going after Dick Roman the while waiting years in between thing may not be so weird. Bobby talks about how if somehow any of us make it out of ‘this hellshow’, that this is what he knows about her,” Sam starts going down the list. “She only ever gives him the contact name of ‘A’, she’s crazy smart in streets and books, she can find info on anything and won’t ask questions, if she calls she ditches the phone right after,” A muffled ‘got that’ from Dean is heard and ignored. “She has no homebase, but can be reached by sending an email to this address. Have only met face to face a few times, but twice at the cabin,” he turns the page. “Guys I have coordinates.”

“Gear up then gents,” and with that they all head to their rooms to get their stuff.

* * *

 

 

“Come on dude, I don’t have time for this,” Alexa starts as she gets out of the car. “I have to get somewhere. What do you want?”

“I told you. We’re not done.”

“Matt, listen, we are. I’m sorry. Now do you have an actual reason for getting me here or not,” she says clearly at the end of her patience.

“I said we’re not done bitch,” he says as he runs toward her. She sidesteps him easily, but doesn’t expect him to jump up as quickly as he does and, he pins her to her car.

“Matt,” she says calmly. “You’re drunk. Why don’t you just head back inside and find a nice girl to take you home.

“No,” he presses into her a little harder and she realizes he’s way beyond his normal ‘I want you back’ drunk.

“Ok. but can you see how this isn’t exactly gonna work to win me back? How about we go back inside, huh? Get you some coffee, and maybe talk.” he takes a step back and loosens his hold on her just enough. She breaks out of it completely and pushes him back, stumbling. She manages to get the door open before he pulls her away from the car, throwing her to the ground.

“No!” he yells and straddles her wrapping his hands around her throat. She pushes up with everything she has and rolls them over. In shock he lets go and she jumps up and back to make a run for the car again. Before she can though, she sees him pulling something out from his belt, she hears it, and feels the fire in her stomach.

 

“Son of a bitch,” she clutches her abdomen and feels the hot blood quickly fill her palm. She runs to the car. Pulling out the angel blade just as Matt reaches her. She spins around and swiftly lodges it in his side. Removing it, he falls to the ground and she gets in the car and slams the door. She needs to wrap the wound but she also needs to leave. Now. She reaches back and grabs a t-shirt from a bag behind the seat and tightly knots it around her waist. Securing it causes blackness to encouch her vision. Reminding herself to breathe, she backs out from the bar and speeds to the cabin. She’s thankful the drive isn’t long but she’s getting weaker, curses herself for even going to meet him, and keeps sending up silent prayers that whoever answered that phone got word to Bobby and he’s waiting at the cabin.

 

Eventually she pulls in and somehow makes it up the front steps. She’s not gonna make it much longer as she starts to blackout a few times before catching herself and fighting it off again. “Please be here,” she says reaching under the doormat. “Yes!” she quickly pulls out the loose plank and reaches in for the key, not noticing how dusty it is, or how worn the cabin looks in general. She stands rather unsteadily as she fits the key in the lock and turns the knob. As soon as she makes it in the room she can only manage a breathy “Bobby,” before falling to the floor.

* * *

 

“Okay, so does anyone remember Bobby talking about this girl or a cabin?” Dean asks to Sam and Cas.

They both answer with a ‘no.’

“And still no reply?”

“It could be an old email Dean, it’s an entry from 2012,” Sam closes his mouth at the glare Dean gives him.

“If this place is much further it’s gonna be damn near impossible to find it. It’s already pitch black out here and we still have what?”

“An hour,” Sam supplies.

“An hour before we get there,” Dean rolls his eyes.

The car falls into a tense silence for most of the remaining drive.

 

“Left here.” Sam has been reduced to just basic directions in order to not make the ride any more awkward.

After a few miles “right. There should be a dirt road in about a mile that leads to the coordinates.”

“Which may or may not be this mysterious cabin.”

Making the right, Dean easily spots a break in the trees and takes it. Slowing to make sure there’s no surprises, he can also make out fresh tire tracks.

“Well someone’s been here recently,” he points to the tracks, and sees Sam nod.


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

 

After a minute Dean slows in front of a cabin. It’s the picture of an ideal vacation cabin. Except for the addition of overgrowth and overall delapidatedness. Seeing the car out front and the trail of blood, they all wordlessly take out their weapons as they approach. Looking behind him at Sam and Cas he motions for Cas to go around back to the left while he and Sam take the right.. Meeting back at the front after the ‘all clear’ Dean takes the lead into the house. Checking the door, Dean slowly turns the handle and pushes it open.

He instantly sees a mop of brown hair splayed out on the floor while the girl under it lays in a puddle of blood. Running over to her, he checks to see if she’s still alive. “She’s bare-,” he stops mid-word when sees Sam and Cas standing at the door staring.

Postponing to comment on their reactions til later, he tries again. “Guys! She’s not gonna last much longer. Cas you gotta heal her!”

Instantly Cas is at her side and healing her, not even questioning it. The moment gives him a chance to look back at Sam. He’s still at the door staring, and now he’s added shaking to his activities. He’s also moving his lips but Dean can’t make out what he’s saying, somehow he knows it’s not really directed at anyone though.

When Cas stands he also picks up the girl and heads upstairs without a word.  _ What the hell is going on?  _ Dean decides to start with getting his brother back to Earth and slowly walks over to him.

“Sammy,” he says cautiously. “Sammy, you gotta tell me what’s going on man. You know her, don’t you? Who is that?”

Sam slowly raises his head to meet his brother’s eyes. He lets out a broken “Alexa,” before bolting out the door. Dean’s taken aback.  _ Who the hell is Alexa? And how does she know Sam, Cas, and Bobby, but I’ve never met her before in my life?! Oh this is bad. Like the really really not good kind of bad. _ Just then he hears slow steps coming down the staircase.

“Cas, who’s Alexa, and why did you and Sam freeze like that? What the hell is going on?”

Cas looks up, and then turns away. He walks over to the couch and sits down, putting his head in his hands.  _ Well at least he didn’t make a run for it.  _ Just then Cas looks up and seeks Dean, “Where’s Sam?”

“He took off outside. Baby’s still here though so I’m guessing he isn’t far.” Cas stands and starts walking to the door.  _ Dammit. _ Dean reaches out blocking Cas from the door. “Hey, what’s going on? Who is this girl?! Is she bad? Should we not have saved her?” At that Cas’s eyes go wide.

“She needs to live Dean. And I need to go make sure Sam is ok. Please let me go.” Dean easily lets him push him out of the way and walk out as well.

Sighing, he heads outside as well. He sees Cas crouched down in front of a crying Sam who’s sitting in the girl’s car. Whatever Cas is saying seems to be helping as he sees Sam wipe his eyes and get out of the car.

Approaching he can hear Cas tell Sam, what has to be what he’s been repeating since he get out there, “she’s going to be ok Sam. She’s just sleeping.” Sam just keeps nodding, but he’s walking back to the house.

Dean knows whoever this girl is she means something deep to his brother, ignoring the hurt at never being told about her, he knows how he can help now. “Hey, Sammy, how about Cas takes you up to see her while I grab the bags?”

Again Sam just nods. As they pass Cas gives him a small smile, and he heads to Baby to grab their things. On the way back in, he stops at the car. He can see several bags of things in the backseat, and a backpack in the front.  _ Looks like she lives out of this thing.  _ Then he sees the bloody angel blade next to it.  _ What the hell?  _ Suddenly he’s not so sure Cas and Sam should be alone with her in the house. He sets the bags down and goes to the trunk. Opening it, he quickly sees a ton of books, weapons, and various other things. It’s very much like his own.  _ So not good.  _ He grabs the blade, backpack, some guns, and a few other things, lifts the bags, and heads in.

He’s walks in to Cas sitting at the small dining table who looks up when he enters, and moves to help with the bags. He looks around but doesn’t see Sam. “Cas, where’s Sam?”

“He went to bed in one of the other rooms. I suspect it was too much of a shock to see her again, and to see her almost dead at that.”

Dean’s eyes go impossibly wide. “Why do you know who she is and I don’t?!” Cas signals for him to keep his voice down. “No man, look,” he starts setting the weapons on the table, “I found these in her car. She has a bloody angel blade. She used it before she got here. Is this girl bad news? Should I be worried that the simple sight of her causes my brother to shut off everything? I don’t know what to do here, Cas. Help me out.” By the end his voice has gone from hard to desperate.

Cas sighs and keeps his voice low and even, “She’s not a danger to Sam, or any of us. She’s just a girl. I’m guessing that the blood on the blade is from whoever shot her before she drove herself here. She’s a hunter which explains the weapons as well.”

Dean rubs his hand down his face, “How do you know her Cas? When you saw her, you froze just like Sam.” His tone has become hushed again as well.

Cas takes a moment thinking how to possibly explain their relationship.  _ Captor? Hostage? _

It must be too long because Dean breaks his thoughts with an impatient, “Cas.”

He sighs and settles for, “it’s a long story. And started after I rose you from Hell,” while giving Dean a challenging look.

“Oh I’m gonna need a drink for this.” He starts walking to the kitchen but stops. “You said she’s asleep?” Cas nods. “Sleep through the night asleep, or just a quick nap?” Cas gives him a questioning look, so after rolling his eyes he continues, “Can I sleep and handle this in the morning after we’ve all had time to deal, or do we need to come up with a plan asap?”

“A plan for what?”

“A plan for the girl! If someone shot her, it’s reasonable to believe that she’s on the run from someone. She also said that she needed help when she called. I’m guessing the two are connected.”

“I see. That does seem logical. She should sleep through the night. As should Sam. You should get some rest as well. It could help you to process the situation.”

“Ya think,.” he pauses, “Wait, did you sleep whammy Sam too?”

Cas looks down guiltily. “I felt it was for the best. He was becoming a bit, unstable.”

Instead of being angry, Dean is more concerned than anything. “Cas, I get that for whatever reason you and this girl, Alexa or whatever, had some kind of history, and that that history is something you aren’t willing to talk about yet, but I can tell that you know who this girl is to Sam. So please just tell me so I can be there for my brother.”

Cas knows Dean is sincere so a bit of his resolve breaks at the pleading green eyes. He takes a deep breath, “She and Sam used to date.” At Dean’s confused look he continues, “at Stanford. She was his girlfriend before Jessica Moore.”

Dean sits in one of the chairs surrounding the table. “He never said anything about her. If she means this much to him,” he gestures vaguely upstairs, “then why the hell not?”

Cas takes a seat next to him. “Did you talk about Cassie before she called you for that case?”

“That was different. Sammy and I weren’t even talking back then, but I’ve told him about her and other things since. He should have said something. I just figured Jess was the only girl for him.”

Cas gives a sad smile, “Unfortunately Jess was not who Sam was meant to be with. She was a pawn in Azazel’s plan.”

Dean can feel protective anger build, “And you knew this?! All these years? Cas!”

“Dean, Sam has dealt with Jess’s death. He loved her yes, but he was ‘supposed’ to love her. How would you have had me break that to him? I did it to protect him.”

That seems to calm Dean down a bit. “Did you know she was still alive? Alexa I mean. What happened? Was she always a hunter? Why didn’t she contact us sooner? If she knew Bobby she could have easily...”

“Dean.” Cas breaks into his rambling. “I know you have many questions, but most I think you need answered by her. Mainly because Sam, nor I, know what happened to her completely. I’m more willing to tell you some of my side now though to try and ease your mind. I didn’t know she was still alive. I would have tried to find her and help her if I had.” Cas can see Dean’s confusion all over his face and feels guilty, but it’s surprisingly still hard to talk about. “As I said, I’m not sure exactly what all happened. She was a hunter when I met her, but she wasn’t born into the life. She, I feel she probably had her reasons for not contacting anyone until now,” he stops and gives Dean a tired but stern look.

Dean sits there a moment absorbing everything. “This is crazy. You get that, right?”

“Yes, I believe it is. I must say that I’m happy to see she’s as strong as I thought she was, and made the right decision.”

“Yeah, see when you say things like that, it makes me REALLY want to find out what your history is. Can you tell me the short version? I’m a little too worked up to sleep. Might as well research the ghost of girlfriend past.”

Cas takes a deep breath, he might as well get it over with, he’s unfortunately done worse, but somehow this feels just as bad. “We should probably get more comfortable. As I said, it’s not a short story.” Dean nods, gets up and walks to the couch. He takes off his boots and leans back against the armrest while stretching out his legs on the sofa. Cas follows and sits on the overstuffed chair next to the couch.

“It was right after our meeting in the barn,” they both share a subtle smile at the memory. “I had received another order to collect another vessel.”

Dean interrupts, “wait, like for another angel? Who?”

“Yes, she was supposed to fight Lucifer, should he rise, Leliel’s vessel. So myself and a few others in my flight,” he pauses, he’s not this Angel anymore “went to collect her.”

Dean breaks in again, “you kidnapped her?” he says bluntly.

“Yes. I’m not proud of it. But let me finish. I can make it shorter if you stop interrupting. Trust me Dean.” Dean nods and he continues. “I told her that she was supposed to be a vessel and that I would be training her so that she would be able to fight Lucifer. You remember how I acted back then?” Dean nods again. “Exactly, so I wasn’t what you’d call comforting. She refused for a while. I’m afraid that while I was away,” he breaks eye contact with Dean, but resumes the story. “That the others may have tortured her in order to get her to comply. Suddenly one time when I returned, she had several cuts and bruises, but she was willing to train. So I showed her how to fight. Even though Leliel would be in control, having a strong vessel is still ideal. She was making good progress until I was,” he looks up at Dean and then back down, “called away again.”

Dean interrupts again, “Sorry, know I said I wouldn’t but, these times you get ‘called away’, is that us? Is that when you come and help us?”

Cas looks up, “yes. And it started to get noticed. But on this time when I came back they had started to try taking control instead of leaving her to me. Now I want to tell you that I never hurt her. I was protecting her mainly because she was supposed to be a vessel, which I realize is not as admirable I admit, but still.” He looks to Dean as if asking for forgiveness.

“Keep going Cas, you came back and...” seems to be enough.

Cas nods more to himself, then continues. “And she started off the day’s training strong, then when I blocked a strike, she broke down. I had no idea what to do, but I didn’t trust the others so I let her cry and talk. She talked about Sam, that’s how I knew of their relationship. From then on I made sure that your names were never spoken in front of her. If she knew she would be fighting a Lucifer that looked like Sam, I was unsure she’d be able to. I was beginning to not want that myself either. I kept trying to be both places at once, but more and more often I went to help you and Sam. On one of the last few times I saw her, the others accused me of spending too much time with you, and getting too close to my charges.” he gives another sad smile.

“I’m sorry Cas.”

“Don’t be. I was apparently picking my side. Which did not make the others happy. Leliel was supposed to be good and fight for the innocent. I thought I was still being true to the mission. The last time I saw Alexa, the others had had enough. They made me choose. And I did. I cut her ropes and told her to run. That she didn’t have to say yes, and that she should make her own choices.” Cas looks off at nothing, and Dean gives him a minute. “She started to stay and fight them with me, but I told her to run again. And she did.” 

As Cas finished, they both sit there unable to break the other’s reverie. After a few moments, Dean yawns.

“You should sleep Dean.”

“Yeah.” He gets up but stands there, then turns back to Cas. “You gonna be ok?”

“Yes Dean, I’ll be fine. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Ok. We’re gonna have to grab some breakfast. I’ll see ya.”

Dean makes his way up the stairs. At the top he goes to the door on the left and checks in on Sam. He seems curled in on himself and he can’t help but think that he hasn’t looked that small in years, probably decades. At the next door he looks in and sees Alexa laying perfectly posed on the bed. She does look kinda familiar but Dean still can’t place her. Getting to the last door he enters and sheds his jeans and flannel. In just his boxers and tee, he gets into bed and thinks how weird of a day it’s been. He also can’t help feeling a little bit of hope that maybe this Alexa girl could be a good thing, she did try and help Cas even back then, but she still has a lot of explaining to do. Dean falls asleep to thoughts of getting this whole thing sorted out back at the bunker. He’ll talk to them about keeping this place going from now on too.


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

 

The next morning Alexa wakes up. That in itself is unexpected. The next thing she notices is that she’s in a bed. Which means that old man must have carried her up there after stitching her up, she automatically reaches for the wound on her stomach. Expecting the rough feel of the stitches, she feels smooth skin and realizes she’s not in any pain. _What the hell?_ She gets up and starts to walk downstairs. A noise makes her realize Bobby must still be here, it’ll be good to see him. It’s been far too long. She gets a smile on her face as she continues down the steps. “Bobby you’re getting too damn old to be carrying me upstairs like that. Hell, I’m getting too damn old. And what the hell did you-,” the smile falls as she sees a tall, slightly older than herself man going through the kitchen cabinets instead of the gruff old man she was expecting. “Who the hell are you?”

Dean turns and sees Alexa standing like she’s ready to fight at a moment’s notice. “Calm down. I won’t hurt you. I do have some questions for you, but sit down first. Breakfast should be here soon,” he says as he throws a couple boxes of something away.

Alexa sits, but also looks for anything that can be used as a weapon just in case. “Okay…”

“First off, who are you?”

“Call me A.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna need your real name. You call me, you ask for well, basically my father, then you just vanish til we show up and save your ass. So I see it as you owe us the whole truth.”

Alexa can’t help but respect him, he does have a point. “Fine. My name’s Alexa. I helped Bobby a few times and vice versa. I was looking for him to help me again. And to apologize.”

“Apologize? For what?”

“I’d rather discuss this with him if you don’t mind,” she prompts.

“Dean. And I do mind. Bobby isn’t, here, anymore. He, um, he died a few years back.”

Alexa can’t help the sound that escapes her, she recomposes herself again and looks the man, Dean, in the eye. “I’m sorry. Really sorry to hear that. He was a good man. I knew I waited too long, but didn’t think anything could get him, you know?”

Dean can’t help the small smile and agree. “Yeah, he was the toughest bastard I ever knew. But what are you doing here? Why do you have a bloody angel blade and a trunk full of weapons?”

“If you knew Bobby I’m guessing you’re a hunter too. Wait, are you who’s number he gave me?” Dean nods. “Then yeah, hunter. So you know why I have those things. The angel blade is what saved me from the asshole who couldn’t take no for an answer and shot me. Which by the way, why don’t I have any indication of that happening?”

“We have a friend that was able to heal you.”

She gives him an odd look but lets it slide. “Well thanks for the saving my life and all. I really do appreciate that.”

“Yeah…” Dean wants to ask her so much more but can’t seem to find where to start. They sit and look at each other sizing the other up until the silence is broken by the rumble of a car engine and then the door opening. Looking up Alexa freezes, _no way._

“Oh, Dean, glad you’re up,” he stops when his eyes meet Alexa’s. His lip twitches quickly before stuttering out a “hi.”

“Sam…?” It’s a broken question. Then her eyes fall on Cas coming in behind him his arms full of stuff as well. “Castiel?” She turns back to Dean, “who the hell ARE you?”

“Alexa,” Sam starts towards her. “This is my brother Dean. Remember me telling you about him?”

Alexa shakes her head, “You’re supposed to be dead. ALL of you actually. How?”

Sam knows it’s a fair question, he also knows Alexa will want the truth. “Lex,” he starts.

“No. Don’t call me that,” she says angrily.

Sam raises his hands in surrender. “Ok. Sorry, to be fair though I thought you were dead too. And last night you almost were if it weren’t for Cas,” he points over his shoulder and Alexa follows to see that ‘Cas’ and Dean seem to be having their own conversation while putting things away.

“I didn’t want this for you. After Christmas I just couldn’t… I had to stay away from you. If they came after you, I wouldn’t have been...”

“Hey. Look at me,” he kneels down in front of her and places his hands on hers that are clinched in her lap. She looks up, “I grew up in this life. If there was anyone that would have understood it would’ve been me.” He can feel his anger start to build when remembering, “I didn’t know what happened to you! And then the police reports, and news stories,” he removes a hand and runs it over his face.

Behind them Dean stops. He looks over at Cas with wide eyes and mouths ‘who is she?!’. Cas shakes his head as he finishes plating some of the food. Carrying over two plates, he sets them down for Sam and Alexa, and then motions for Dean to follow. Dean sets down two coffee cups, and then follows Cas outside. Once outside he takes another sip of his own cup, then Cas turns to face him. “I thought they could use some space. They may say some things that we shouldn’t overhear.”

Dean just nods. “I think we should just pack up and head back to the bunker. Figure this all out there. Including what we’re going to do about this place,” he says pointing back to the cabin. “It could be smart to have another stop off point.”

“Dean,” Cas levels a look at him.

“Cas,” he counters.

“You seem more ok with this now. Why?”

“Dude, we’ve dealt with so much more than ex’s coming back into our lives, this is actually more on the normal side for us. And she seems to be telling the truth. Well, with the questions I managed to ask her.”

“What questions did you ask?”

“Relax, I didn’t ask anything beyond basics like her name, how she knew Bobby, etc.Then you walked in.”

Cas nods. “I agree that we should head back to the bunker. It will be the safest place to figure out what kind of help she needs.”

“Yeah, let’s go back in and see if we can head out in the next few minutes.”

They walk in and see Sam and Alexa arguing. Or rather what seems like the seventh inning stretch of an argument. Sam is leaning against a counter with his arms crossed with a stellar bitchface, and Alexa is pacing by the couch with her head down.

“You kids ok in here?” Dean asks hesitantly.

“Yeah,” Sam says shortly and Alexa heads up the stairs.

Dean raises his eyebrows in question as Sam lets out a sigh and scrubs his hands over his face. “I’m fine,” Sam says and goes to fill up his cup again.

“Sure ya are,” he says sarcastically as he holds out his cup for a refill as well. “We were thinking about heading back to the bunker in a few, that going to be a problem?”

“No. I’ll get my things.”

“You’re gonna drive Alexa’s car back with her. And Cas and I will be in Baby.”

Sam stops in his tracks. “Dean,” he says pleadingly. “You saw what just happened when we were left alone for five minutes.”

“Yes, and that’s why the car ride will give you a chance to work out whatever that issue is enough to be in the same place together.”

“I’ll go talk to her,” Cas offers.

Sam and Dean have a silent argument that Dean seems to win as Sam sighs and continues to go gather his things. Dean watches him take the first step then rolls his eyes. When did his brother turn into a teenager again?

Cas comes down a moment later and sets down Dean’s bag with a huff.

“Problem Dear?” Dean laughs at the tired look on Cas’s face.

“I don’t remember her being that stubborn. It’s like talking to Claire sometimes.”

Dean laughs. “Awesome, so now we’re about to make two fighting teenagers drive for hours together in a small car. I’d say we should switch, but I don’t want to ride with either one of them right now.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t seem desirable.” He looks down at the bag, “is everything in there? I can go put it in the trunk.”

“Yeah, thanks. I’ll go see what’s taking them so long.”

Dean makes his way upstairs as he hears the door close behind Cas. At the top he turns to Sam’s door and sees him sitting on the bed, his bag at his feet. “C’mon dude, we gotta get going.”

Sam looks up, “Do I really have to ride with her Dean? Can’t Cas?”

Dean shakes his head. “Nope. Cas doesn’t seem to have the issue. Is this something you guys can work out?”

“I’m pretty sure she hates me. She feels like our whole relationship was a lie and so she can’t trust me now.”

Dean sighs. “Listen, I doubt she hates you, she’s upset. Your relationship kind of was a lie if you didn’t tell her the truth about who you were, but she can trust you again. Just show her. It’s not going to happen overnight. Now get downstairs and put your stuff in a car, I don’t care which one, there’s not much room in hers though. Oh and make sure to grab her weapons off the table.”

Sam nods, takes a deep breathe and gets to his feet. He turns to Dean, “wait, weapons?”

“Yep, brought some of them in from her car.” Sam looks like he’s in a haze but continues to make his way downstairs.

Next Dean heads to Alexa’s room and sees her on the bed eyes closed and humming some song, _wait, is that Zeppelin?_ He clears his throat, “Hey, um, we’re gonna head back to our place. You ready?”

“What?”

“We’re going back to our place. You’re coming with us. Unless whatever you need help with is here.”

“Oh. No. I’ll be down in a minute.”

A few minutes later they’re standing outside by the cars. “Ok, let’s head out. Sam obviously you know the way back. See ya when you get there,” he and Cas start walking to the sleek classic car.

“Wait what?! I thought I was riding with Castiel! I didn’t agree to ride with him.”

Dean glares at Cas who doesn’t meet his eyes. “Well too bad, you’re with Sam, so play nice,” he says as he starts getting into the car.

As he starts the engine and backs up, he throws a wave out the window as he passes Sam and Alexa who are still standing in front of the other car.

“Well, we should go. Give me the keys,” Alexa says turning to Sam.

“No. I know the way, and you should rest.”

“I’m fine. Your brother said Castiel healed me. Not a scratch left.”

“Yes Cas healed you but you should still rest. Getting shot isn’t something you get over overnight,” he says as he unlocks the doors. Thankfully what blood was in the car has been cleared up. He’s pretty sure Cas is responsible for that too. They get in and Sam turns to her, “How do you know Cas anyway?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Alexa shakes her head and looks out the window.

Sam starts the car and heads out. _Play nice. I can do that._ He clears his throat and starts, “so, um, your hair’s longer.”

“So’s yours.”

“It looks nice.”

“Okay.”

Sam lets out a groan. “You know this trip, and situation, is going to be a lot more painful if we don’t talk, right?”

“I’ll sleep. Just a few questions first. Where are we going? And how long do I have to stay there?

“Lebanon, Kansas. It’s where we live. As for your other question, just until you’re healed, but I’d like you to think about staying with us. We have the room.”

“I thought we agreed I already was. Is Angel healing faulty, or is it just Castiel’s?” Sam glares at her, but before he can defend his friend she continues, “Or more likely it’s you trying to get me to stay longer. I’m going to sleep. Wake me if I’m not already up when we get there, then I can leave.”

 _Why is she so infuriating?!_ “Why are you being such a bitch?”

“Excuse me?!” she forgets about sleeping as she sits up and challenges him.

“You heard me. What’s going on with you?!”

“Me?! Have you gotten too many head injuries? You used to be smart and now you can’t grasp that I don’t want to just join the gang. I tried to tell you back at the cabin, but you would’ve stolen my car, you practically have, just with me in it,” she turns back to the window.

“Bull. Part of you wants to come and see what we can offer. I’m betting that you’ve gotten even smarter than when we met, and you were way smarter than me back then. You’re clearly a good hunter if you’ve survived everything, and even more impressively, on your own. I know I hit you with too much back at the cabin, I’m sorry, but I have so many questions. When I saw you on the floor I couldn’t do anything, I thought it was a hallucination, then when Cas said you were ok, and I saw you, there were just all these things I wanted to know. He tried to tell me to go easy on you, but that just brought up more questions. I’m sorry. Just, just give us a chance. Let us get caught up, and see how you feel. You have to be curious about what happened after Christmas, or since you saw Cas?”

Alexa watches as Sam looks away, then back to the road. She feels guilty because this is still very much Sam, but that’s just it; it’s SAM. It hurt like hell the first time, and back then he was just some gangly kid her heart decided to fall for. Now he was this all not-dead, grown up, handsome hunter, found again long lost love, and damn if he wasn’t more than a little badass.

“What?” Sam asks a little less irritated.

“Nothing. Just, I guess I’m sorry too.” Sam scoffs. “That’s fair. I just mean, I have a lot going through my head right now too, so everything’s jumbled. Bobby wanted me to meet ‘his boys’ so much, if I had just agreed we would’ve had this reunion so long ago. I am really happy that you guys aren’t dead, but I also still really have this deep feeling that I need to stay far away from you. So no I can’t be completely sorry for pushing you all away. But then you don’t take no for an answer easily do you?”

Sam actually smiles at the small win. “No, and I’m more accepting than Dean and Cas.”

“You’re a lot like Bobby in that way. Sorry, by the way, Dean told me. Although that wouldn’t explain Castiel, huh?”

“Well he did basically raise Dean and I. And Dean is why Cas is, well Cas. But he and Bobby had their moments too. Which is another thing. It’s kinda weird to hear you keep calling him ‘Castiel.”

“It’s how I know him… I can’t imagine the Angel I first met being called ‘Cas’.”

“I get that. You’re really gonna have a hard time finding out that God likes to go by Chuck,” Sam says with a wink.

“I’m sorry, what? You’re making that up. There’s no way, I mean I figured with angels being real that it would make sense, but then you think about everything, and how could some all powerful being just watch? But,” a thought suddenly hits her. “Wait. have you MET Him?!”

Sam can’t help the rumbling laugh that comes out of him. As he tries to compose himself again he smiles, “yeah, he’s not a terrible guy, just, not very hands on. Unless he’s writing the next gospel about you and your brothers’ lives. And then of course we dated the same girl.” Sam shudders remembering Becky.

The car is silent when he finishes. Slowly he looks over. Alexa’s just staring with wide eyes and slack jaw. “Did I break you?,” he teases.

“Wow. Yeah that just made the thoughts multiple to an immeasurable extent.”

“The limit does not exist?”

“You did NOT just quote Mean Girls to me!” Suddenly Alexa is full body laughing. Within minutes she’s wiping her eyes and having trouble catching her breath. Sam pulls over to give her a minute. Once stopped he gets out and goes around to crouch in front of her while she slowly catches her breath. When she’s stopped enough to look up he’s just watching her with a fond smile. “Thank you. I can’t remember the last time I laughed that hard. I need some water or something.”

Sam pats her knee as he gets up. “I think I put a couple in my bag,” he slides back behind the wheel. “Shit. It’s in the impala. Guess we’re stopping at a gas station,” he smiles.

After getting back on the road, Sam turns to her. “Hey, Lex,?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?”

She thinks for a minute, “you can ask, but I may not answer.”

He lets out a soft chuckle, “fair enough. Um, I guess it’d have to be who shot you?”

“Really?”

“I am curious. I mean, I don’t know anything about you from the last 10 years, so I’m having trouble imagining the girl I knew getting shot.”

“Well things change. I’m different.”

“See, I don’t think you are. Especially after this morning. I think you’re trying to be. But I bet under that armor, where it counts, you’re still the same girl that laughed at the kid that showed up almost,” he makes a point to exaggerate hoping to make her laugh again, “late to class.”

“Can we not?,” Alexa looks at the window.

 _Shit._ “Alexa. Please tell me,” he can’t help the urge to protect her. “Who did that to you?” he looks over at her.

“An ex. I guess. He was never actually a boyfriend, although he thought he was. And didn’t like when I told him he was crazy because 5 dates over 3 months does not mean serious relationship. Only the first one was really consensual, the rest were just because I got stuck in a lie.”

Sam suddenly feels unexpectedly jealous. It makes sense that she’d see other guys, he saw other girls, hell he lived with other girls, but it’s still not a good feeling. “Is he, ah, your only crazy ex?” _Idiot! You don’t actually want to hear this._

“Only crazy one, that I know of.”

“Ahh. Good…”  She raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything on it.

“Where are we going anyway?”

“To our bunker. The three of us live there since Dean and I kind of inherited it from our grandfather.”

“Bunker? Ok, pretending that’s normal. Castiel lives with you? Since you’ve had it?”

“Basically. He didn’t stay much at first even though Dean had made him up his own room. But he was always welcome. It’s home.”

“Shouldn’t Heaven be his home?”

Sam takes a deep breath. “That’s part of his story, well it’s kinda part of our’s too, and I’m not sure how much he wants to tell you, but let’s just say that his home is with us. He’s just as much of a brother to me as Dean.”

The car’s quiet for a minute then Alexa breaks in with, “how much further?”

Sam’s lips twitch slightly, _she is definitely still badass,_ “about another hour.”

“Ok. I think I’m finally gonna take that nap, so”

“I’ll wake you,” he interrupts.

“Thanks,” she says as she lays her head on the window. Within a few minutes she’s asleep.

 

Sam chances a glance over at her. _How are you real right now? The dick that shot you may not be your only crazy ex considering my first thought when seeing you was that you were a hallucination again._ He focuses back on the road. _And how is it possible that you still make me feel like this with basic conversation?_ He starts thinking back over their drive so far and can see how with anyone else going from talking about personally knowing God, to quoting some teen movie, and the fact that she was shot, would make anyone else run for the hills. He feels like he just walked out of the diner all those years ago. _This is bad._


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

 

Pulling into the garage, Sam parks behind the impala and turns to wake Alexa. He gently shakes her shoulder and she startles awake, obviously forgetting what the past 24 hours have meant. Immediately Sam takes back his hand. “Hey, hey, sorry, just me, you’re okay, we’re here.”

Blinking herself more awake Alexa gives a short nod. ‘Oh. Right. Sorry.”

“It’s ok. We totally get the whole hair trigger lifestyle. But you won’t need it here. It’s warded and hidden from just about everything and everyone,” he says getting out of the car to not push her.

Slowly she gets out too, “Should I grab my, hooooly shiit dude,” she says in awe while turning in a circle. Too busy taking in the classic cars of the garage she doesn’t hear anyone else enter. “Was your grandfather loaded?! That’s probably how you got into school.” Hearing a laugh she turns and sees Dean and Cas have come into the garage as well. She also notices the symbol on the door behind them. “You’re Men of Letters?! But the US chapter died out back in,” she stops when she sees them watching her. “Sorry. Guess they didn’t. So you’re hunters AND Men of Letters?! That is SO how you got in my little Samala.” She completely misses Sam’s horrified look at the nickname while she goes to get a closer look at one of the cars. She doesn’t miss Dean’s deep full bodied laugh, as well as what must be a laugh from Castiel as well, before she hears Dean say he’s ‘SO using that one.’

Suddenly there’s a voice next to her. “I’ll help you grab your things and you can pick out a room.”

She turns to see Sam already holding most of her stuff and heading to the door. Dean and Castiel having already left them. “I’ll just take whichever one’s free?”

Sam laughs, “C’mon. Let’s pick you a room and then I’ll show you around.”

  
They start through the halls so she can pick a room before showing her the rest of the bunker. “That’s Dean’s,” he says pointing to a door on the right. A few feet from that he points to the door and tells her, “Cas’s.” The door’s open and she can see that there’s not much but there are a few things like an old duffle, and a set of lounge pants and t-shirt neatly folded on the bed. Other than those, however, it doesn’t look very lived in.

“Why is his so close to Dean’s? And why doesn’t it look lived in, if he’s been here for years?”

“Like I said, Dean picked the room, and he doesn’t use the room much. He’s usually in the library, or in the kitchen, when we’re here.” He passes several more doors, including the one their mom stayed in, before getting to a door on the left, and stops. He turns to face her while leaning against the door frame. Clearing his throat, he jerks his head to the door and says ‘this is mine.” He opens the door and lets her look around while he puts down her bags by the door. He moves a little further in to put his own bag on the bed. He has to admit , it feels good to be home. “You ready to see the others and pick one?” She nods and Sam leads the way continuing down the hall. After briefly looking at each room, Sam tells her to take her time and look at each of them. “When you decide just yell and I’ll help you with your bags.” He gives a tight smile and leaves to let her choose.

 

After about an hour of not hearing from her, he decides to go look, it is very easy to get lost in here. He gets to his room and looks in to see her bags still on the floor by the door. Then turning he sees that the door across from his is open. Taking a look in, he can see Alexa curled up on the bed, fast asleep. He can’t fight the soft smile that crosses his face, as he goes across the hall to get her things. Stepping back inside her room, he sets the bags down at the foot of the bed and walks around to its side. Reaching down he gently lifts the blanket up and around her shoulders, and then brushes the hair off of her face. Leaning down he suddenly stops himself, _oh shit. No. Can not do that_ , and straightens up to leave. He sees Dean standing at the door smirking, _oh c’mon!,_ he’s so caught.

Sam follows Dean down the hall silently and with his head hung a little. He knows this is bad. He shouldn’t have done that. Sam gets lost in his thoughts until they walk into the kitchen. Dean turns on him.

“Dude. What the hell? Are you two a thing now?”

“No, Dean. It was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done it, it just, I don’t know. It just felt like it used to and I slipped. It won’t happen again,” Sam walks over a gets a couple of beers. He’s tired, but he feels like Dean has questions. Plus, he needs some kind of alcohol right now. Handing one to Dean he sits at the table. Dean stands there a minute looking him over, like he’s deciding if he should ‘go there’ or not, then must decide to because he sits at the table opposite. They each take a few sips before Dean sets his down and looks over at his little brother.

Sam isn’t expecting the careful tone to his voice when he asks, “who is she man? Why does seeing her again make you, well” he vaguely gestures to him.

Sam takes a big swig then a deep breath. “She was my girlfriend before Jess.”

Dean’s not exactly sure why, but he can tell this means something important. He gently tries to coax it out of him. “Did you guys end badly?” Sam snorts before he can continue. _So that’s a yes._ “What happened? Cas said you dated in college, but I don’t know. She seems familiar somehow, like, I’m pretty sure I’ve never met her, but I keep thinking I’ve seen here somewhere before. Did you know her before Stanford?” Dean looks up to see Sam staring at him like he just revealed the Doctor’s real name or something. “Sam? Saaammmyyy?” he tries. He takes a sip of beer then slams the bottle on the table. That seems to get him back.

“What do you mean Cas said we dated in college. How does Cas know? I’ve never talked about her with anyone after,” he stops at the almost slip. “After I asked Jess out.”

“Yeah, and that’s part of the problem. I have no idea who this girl is that’s making your brain do a nosedive. I’m not spilling Cas’s side either. And I’m not even asking for all of yours if you don’t want to. But she’s living here man, do we need to make her leave?”

“No,” his answer almost immediate. “She agreed to stay until we got caught up, and then she’d see if she wants to stay longer or not.”

“Which means you gave her the option already, which means you want her to.”

Sam knows it’s the truth but he’s not ready to share everything with Dean just yet. So he gets defensive, “Bobby wanted us to work together, there has to be a reason, right? I think we should just see what happens. Besides, we still haven’t figured out what she needs help with and why she was looking for Bobby when she called you.”

“Yeah, I don’t really think she has a problem. At least not one that she needs help with. I think she was just trying to get a hold of Bobby to apologize for flaking on him. She mention who shot her? Could be connected."

“Yeah, but doesn’t seem like it. Said it was a guy that got too clingy. Doubt that’s her problem. In the morning we should make sure though.”

Dean can’t help but notice that Alexa made the incident less exciting than it was for Sam, and feels a bit of affection towards her for that. He also doesn’t miss how his brother may sound all calm on the outside, but his eyes say he wants to make sure this guy is no longer an issue. “Yeah. In the morning. You should get some sleep. Alone.” he winks to lighten the mood, but he also means it. _Whatever this girl and Sam had was hot and heavy for sure. And if he’s already feeling that way again..._

“Don’t worry. Nothing’s gonna happen. We’re too different now,” _no we’re not. We’re exactly the same,_ Sam says as he walks out of the kitchen.

Dean watches his brother head to bed and roll his eyes. _This is going to be messy._ He drains the rest of his beer _no sense wasting perfectly good beer_ and turns out the light. When he steps out he sees Cas headed to the library with a book. He’s already changed and Dean still can’t believe he wears those silly bee pants he got him as a joke.

“Night Cas,”  he says as he continues walking.

“Oh. I thought you were already asleep Dean. What’re you doing up? Everything alright?”

Dean stops, turns to face Cas, and leans up against the wall. “Yeah, well, for right now it still is. Just had a talk with Sam.”

“About Alexa I assume,” Cas states.

“Yeah, I caught him tucking her in, and about to kiss her forehead while she was sleeping,” Dean says waiting for the inevitable shock from Cas.

The shock never comes. “Okay? I fail to see what the issue is here Dean.”

“Buddy, a guy doesn’t just kiss a forehead unless he’s head over heels for the person. And I’m not sure how I feel about it happening so soon after them reuniting.”

“I see. This ‘forehead kiss’ is a sign of human intimacy, or deep bond. Would you be upset if it happened again, as you said, so soon?”

“Not really upset, worried though. They still have no idea what happened to each other in the last 10 years and he said it felt like it did back then. So yeah, I’m worried that my little brother is going to get his heart broken, AGAIN, by this girl, and I don’t want that.”

Cas takes a few steps towards Dean, “You’re a good big brother Dean, but I think this is something Sam and Alexa have to work out for themselves. Perhaps we should sit down and get the story from all of us though, before he starts kissing her hand as well,” he smirks.

“Are you making fun of me?” Dean asks a little hurt, and a little proud.

“Only slightly. I do think we should all sit down and discuss things though. But at the same time you and I should be respectful that they are both adults that have made pretty good choices overall, up until now.”

“Fine,” Dean says giving in and not wanting to admit that he has a point.

“Get some sleep now, if we have this discussion in the morning I have a feeling we’re all going to need it.”

“Yeah, ok. Night.” With that Dean heads to his room.

Cas rolls his eyes as Dean walks away. _You’re a good man Dean, and you raised one too._ He turns and continues to the library.

 

* * *

Alexa wakes feeling like she’s actually slept. It’s an odd feeling she hasn’t experienced in a while and then remembers the past 24 hours. _Sam, bunker, rooms, right. What time is it anyway?_  She looks over to the small bedside table, and sees a phone with a post it on it. ‘Your new phone. Already has mine, Dean’s, and Cas’s numbers. See you in the morning. -S’ She looks at the screen, 3:27 am. Crap, she’s really gotta pee. _I should be able to find the bathroom in this place right?_  She heads out down the hall. Remembering her two rights and a left she gives up and heads back to her room. She stops in front of the door opposite of her’s and can’t really wait to think it through, _He can kill me later,_ and knocks.

She can hear rustling and then soft footsteps make their way to the door. It opens to reveal a very sleepy, _and adorable_ , Sam, complete with hair in every direction. She almost forgets why she knocked.

“Yeah?”

“Um, yeah, I kinda have to really pee. Where’s the bathroom?” she asks embarrassed.

Sam stares a moment then quietly laughs, “yeah, we didn’t make it far on the tour. Come on, I’ll show you.”

“Thanks.”

They quickly make it to the bathroom and Sam waits outside. When she comes back out Alexa sees Sam slumped against the wall asleep. She smiles and crouches down beside him. Gently she puts her hand on his cheek and whispers “Sam” a few times before he slowly opens his eyes. “Hey.”

“Hey,” he echos and gets up. They wordlessly start back to their rooms and stop before going in. She starts to turn to enter when Sam clears his throat. “Do you, maybe, wanna watch a movie or something? I have a tv in my room.”

 _I really shouldn’t._ “Sure, I’m kinda up now and all, thanks,” she says and slips by Sam to enter. The room’s modest but cozy enough, and she tries to look for somewhere else to sit besides the bed.

“Um, you’ll have to lay in the bed, if that’s ok. Or I could go in your room and you can stay here tonight and watch tv,” he kindly gives her an out.

“It’s ok. Not like we haven’t done it before, just been a while is all.” With that they crawl into bed somehow putting space between themselves on the bed.

Sam hands her a remote and turns on his side facing away from her. Within minutes he’s asleep again and Alexa finds she could handle getting a few more hours herself. She gets comfortable and continues watching the late night movie. Unsure how long later she wakes up when she feels an arm wrap around her waist, and a solid body move flush behind her’s. Letting out a sigh she falls asleep again. This time with a small smile on her face.


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

Sam’s in his dorm in stanford, he knows it’s a dream but he goes with it, something about it feels so real. He’s in bed and someone’s next to him. She fits perfectly into the curve of his own body making him smile. Turning in her sleep to face him, he sees it’s Alexa, and then it clicks what this is. It’s a dream about the first night she stayed at ‘his place’ they would joke. He also knows what’s coming next if dream follows memory. He’ll lay there watching her for a bit, brushing the hair from her face, running his hand down her side, and then when his eyes make their way up her body to her face, he’ll see bright blue eyes watching him and a teasing smile. It’s a good memory he hasn’t thought about in years. _Why now?_ As the dream starts to fade, Sam knows he’s waking up and tries to hold on to it literally. He squeezes his arm around dream Alexa, and feels something warm and soft under his arm in reality. He thinks it’s just his pillow like normal until the pillow takes a breath. He freezes. Slowly opening his eyes he find his nose pressed against the top of her hair. _Shit. I just told Dean this wouldn’t happen._ Fully in reality now he can feel that she still fits perfectly against him, and fighting every cell telling him to stay, he gently pulls himself free. She stirs slightly causing him to pause a minute to make sure she doesn’t wake, before continuing his mission to leave the room as soon as possible. Stopping at the door, he turns to make sure she’s still sleeping, then heads out to the kitchen for some coffee. _Too close._

 

He’s on his second attempt at his first cup, the first turning cold while lost in thought it was neglected, when Dean walks in.

“Mornin Sammy,” a slap on the back jars him back to reality and he takes a sip from his cup. _Maybe third try’s a charm?_

“Uh, morning,” he gets up and pours out his cold coffee while waiting for Dean to finish, before refilling his again. Dean notices.

“Sam,” Dean says in his big brother voice. _Shit._

“Yeah Dean?” he tries like nothing’s out of the ordinary.

Dean gives him a once over and then shakes his head. “You walked out of this kitchen and slept with her didn’t you?”

Sam doesn’t remember letting the cup go, but he hears it hit the floor. _Apparently not getting coffee this morning._ “Wha? No. How? Um…”

Dean’s head rolls back against the wall. “Sammy, I thought you said this wouldn’t happen. What if she decides to leave? You can’t make her stay, you know that right?”

“Dean we didn’t sleep, ok, we slept together but not like you think. We didn’t have sex.” Dean gives a non-believing look before Sam continues. “I told you she fell asleep after we got in right? Well she woke up in the middle of the night and was kind of awake so I invited her in my room to watch some netflix or something.”

"You Netflix and chilled her man? C’mon,” Dean interrupts.

“NO! Not like that. I told her I’d switch rooms if she wanted but she said it was ok so I stayed. I gave her the remote and turned away, and went to sleep. That’s all.”

“Then why do you have that ‘I just messed up’ look?”

Sam swallows. “I had a dream, and well, when I woke up.”

“Dude, no, I don’t need to hear this. I already gave you the ‘your body does weird things talk.’”

“No Dean, it’s not just about sex ok? I had a dream about an actual memory. Of us. When I woke up, we were in the same position as dream us, and before you go there, no. We were,” he looks embarrassed. “We were cuddling, ok? I freaked out because I really wanted to stay, but knew I couldn’t,” He looks up at the ceiling, “Like you said, she still might choose to leave.”

Dean looks at his brother and gets it. He won’t say it though, because he’s not even sure Sam gets it yet. _You still love her. Oh Sammy._ “So why the hatred of coffee this morning?” he says instead.

Sam smirks his thanks to Dean for not going further before answering, “My third attempt,” he says holding up the shards of broken coffee mug in his hand. “The first two got cold while I stared out into nowhere. I don’t really know what to do. You’re right. My brain kind of shuts off around her.”

“Sammy, you thought she was dead and then a lot of shit, and I mean A LOT of shit happened to us, hell we’ve died, and then we get what we think is just a weird case that turns out to be her. Not only that but we find out that she’s been on the outskirts of our lives the whole time. It’s a lot, man. It even messes with me. I mean you and Cas both knew her so I’m kinda getting this from both of you.”

“Cas is having issues too?” He asks hopefully. _If Cas is having trouble dealing too maybe this isn’t what it feels like._

“Yeah, I mean not as much as you, but then again your relationships were a bit different. He came up with a good idea about it though. I’m sure she’s having trouble too, so he suggested we all sit down and get the story straight from all sides.”

“That’s, that’s actually a really good idea.”

“What’s a good idea?” Alexa asks as she walks into the kitchen.

Sam looks over to Dean with wide eyes. Rolling his eyes at Sam, he answers Alexa, “Cas thought that it’d be good for all of us to sit down and catch up at once. Kind of get all sides of the story in one go. Cause I don’t know how much you know, but we’ve kinda been through a lot.”

She misses the warning look Sam gives Dean _don’t scare her off!_ When she just nods her head and agrees, “yeah, same. That is a good idea. Where is Castiel anyway?”

“Oh he’s-,” Dean starts.

“Here,” Cas walks in with a couple of bags and sets them on the table with a smile. “I find that people enjoy comfort foods when talking about troubling matters so I went out and got us some.”

“Dude you’re awesome,” Dean says already digging through the bags. “Pork rinds? Really man?” Before he gets an answer his face lights up as he pulls out a bag, “Licorice, score!” Soon all four are laughing and picking through the goodies for their favorites. There’s a nice selection to accompany any meal, including two tubs of ice cream.

While Sam and Dean fight over licorice, Cas turns to Alexa. “How’re you doing, Alexa?”

“Okay, I mean, this is kind of surreal after all, like, sometimes I’m not sure if I’m making this all up or not. Also, I never really got to thank you for saving me, so thank you. That is if I am actually alive and not making this up,” she kind of smiles to herself.

“I assure you this is real, and you’re welcome. I was shocked to see you myself. I’m sorry I didn’t try to find you. I would have liked to help you as well as Sam and Dean.” The both look over at the two who have now quieted as they chew their respective treat.

“Are they always like this?” she asks quietly laughing.

Castiel smiles, “On the good days, yes.”

They stand there and watch until the brothers have finished chewing and then Dean is ready to go. “Well, let’s get this show on the road. We’ve got about a decade of apocalypses and close calls to go over. I’ll make another pot of coffee,” he says as he starts filling the pot.

Sam just nods and gets up, leaving the room. Cas places a hand on her back and she takes it as the signal to move. Dean’s close behind them after setting up the next batch of coffee. He’s also carrying the box of donuts. They end up walking down the hall to the library. They’re the only ones in the bunker, but somehow it seems to offer much needed privacy for the discussion they’re about to have. Alexa’s suddenly not sure she’s ready for it either. Looking around at the others she doesn’t think she’s alone. Pairs of eyes dance around the room and each other, none willing to start.

 

Finally Dean breaks the uncomfortable silence. “Okay, so I think Sam and Alexa should start, their story kinda kicks off everything. But first, Alexa, are you actually in danger and/or need help?”

She looks a little guilty and shakes her head, “No. I got a call from,” she points to her stomach and then continues, “saying he had these weird things happening to him, so I went, especially when I found out  he was near the cabin. I started calling all the numbers I had for Bobby but got nothing, and then I found the number he gave me in case I couldn’t get ahold of him.” She wipes at her eye and then looking away lets out, “I thought it would be a good time to get caught up and I kinda needed a break.”

Dean can’t help but notice she does look exhausted like someone that’s been running for too long, but gives her space. “Okay, then on with the story kids,” Dean leans back in the chair and takes a big bite of doughnut.

Sam opens his mouth to talk but Alexa interrupts. “No, I still don’t know about you two. Sam told me he grew up in the life but that doesn’t really explain things to me. The hunter I knew that grew up in it, never left to go to college.”

Dean nods his head in agreement, and Sam starts again, but with a different point. “Well, short version is that when I was a baby and Dean was four, our mom died in a fire caused by a demon that she had made a deal with to save our father. Our dad didn’t take it well and wanted revenge so he started hunting and took us with him. We knew how to fight and shoot at the age most kids were playing soccer and t-ball. I hated the moving around, every time I’d make a friend we’d have to move. So I started fighting back against Dad,” he looks over at Dean whose stoic face means he’s steeled himself against the memories, then down, “and Dean.” Feeling the need to justify himself he looks up and adds, “Dean was just trying to protect me but I didn’t see it like that back then. So I did what I could to get out and applied to colleges as soon as I could. I wanted a normal life. And I got into Stanford. Where I met you.”

Alexa lets it set in. She looks over at Dean and sees him, well melting is about the only way to describe it. He’s got a cold look about him, that seems to be slowly turning back into the one she saw this morning. _Whatever Sam’s skipping over must hurt him._ Looking over at Castiel she sees him watching Dean with sad eyes. _Interesting, and he must know the whole story._ Then she looks back to Sam who looks worn out from just the short retelling of the first portion of his life.

“Swee-,” she starts.

“Nope. Do not ‘sweetie’ me yet. That’s not even the hard parts. I knew they’d happen, just save ‘em for later,” he smiles.

“I might have changed,” she defends.

“You were going to say it weren’t you?”

“Yes.” They both laugh.

“Okay, so college days, hit it,” Dean pushes them on.

“What if I have questions?” Alexa stalls.

“Do you?”

“Umm, ok no.” _Yes. Like SO many!_

“There we go,” Dean says as he grabs another donut.

“You’re an ass, you know that,” Alexa says lightly.

Dean smiles proudly, “Been told once or twice.”

Alexa laughs then starts, “since Sam took that part I guess I’ll go next,” she takes a deep breath. “We met during a class, he was late, sorry, ALMOST, late,” she says seeing Sam about to object. “And then he sat next to me. We just started talking and talking turned to coffee,” she looks confused. “Then somehow it just kind of became dating, we went out once and then we were together from then on, we suddenly had routines like a couple that had been together years. It continued like that until about Thanksgiving. After we left my parents' place,” Sam notices that she doesn't call it 'home', but Dean cuts her off.

“Wait, you met her family?”

“Yeah,” Sam says sheepishly. “They were nice, seemed to like me.”

“They loved you,” Alexa says getting back to the story. “Got the talk from my dad and all, but then something seemed to change,” she looks over at Sam to see he’s suddenly very interested in something on the floor. “Every time I would mention Christmas the subject would get changed. Then one time I asked him about coming home with me, he said that you,” she looks at Dean, who looks like he’s been hanging on every word, “would be coming to visit so I shouldn’t worry about him being alone. I knew he was lying, but something told me to leave it and I did. We exchanged gifts before I left, and then,” she pauses. “I drove home.” Sam perks up, interested in hearing part of what he doesn’t know. I got home and instantly knew something was wrong. It was too quiet. I went in to find that my mom, dad, and little sister were all killed. I ran. I ran as far as I could, threw up, and then called it into the police. I made up some story that I was hiding from whoever did it, and then made it sound like there was a struggle and hung up.”

“That was the last anyone heard from you. Including me,” Sam says more than a little angry,

“I know. I told you. I ran. I ran as far away as I could. From everyone. If you thought I was dead I figured you would be safe and be able to move on.” She sees Sam run his hands through his hair while letting out a heavy breath.

“Did you know what killed them?” Dean asks.

Alexa looks at Cas and then back at him, “not yet. I just knew something was really off about it. I’d never heard of any serial killers or murderers in general that left behind sulfur. It wasn’t until I met Castiel that I knew what they were.”

“You could have told me! I called you over and over again. And then when I heard about your family, and then you, do you have any idea how scared I was?!” Sam yells and gets up. Alexa automatically rises as well.

Dean steps between them, “Sam, sit down. You know why she did it.”

“Yeah and I don’t like it any better than when you or Cas did it, either.”

At that Cas looks away, then turns to Alexa. “As you can see there’s been a lot of mistakes from everyone,” he says loud enough that the brothers hear as well. It must strike a chord because Dean runs a hand over the back of his neck and they both sit down. Sam looks more like a disobedient child that’s just been chastised, than anything.

Dean looks at Cas who gives a short nod, then asks, “So what happened after that?”

Taking a steadying breath she continues, “well, I hated it, but I continued to ignore all of Sam’s calls, if people were supposed to believe I had disappeared or even died, that meant I couldn’t leave a trail. So I drove until I couldn’t anymore, got a job, and stayed there for about a month, when the paranoia got too bad, and did it again. I kept doing that until I had enough money that I could just keep driving. Which took about a year, then there was a few months of driving until money got thin. I thought about doing the stick around thing again but I had gotten too used to being no one, that one night I walked into a bar, and saw some guys playing pool. I had gotten pretty good since Sam taught me, so I thought what the hell.”

“No. Please tell me you didn’t try to hustle them. You could’ve gotten killed doing that to the wrong guys!” even Cas and Dean look concerned at this as well.

“Didn’t try. Did. They weren’t happy, but they accepted that they got beat. That money lasted a good bit. But then I ended up in a city and low again. I was walking back to my car when a couple girls asked me if I was having as slow a night as them. Then the one said it must be worse because of my clothes. I told them I wasn’t in the business and they asked if I wanted to be,” at this Sam looks horrified. “I turned them down, and eventually made some money doing odd jobs like event catering. One night, cash, and no strings. But over the next couple years there were more than a few times I thought about it. It’d be fast money that could be more than a couple meals a week. One low night, I walked into a bar about to beg for anything they had leftover. There were these two guys at a table arguing about who was drunker,” she pauses to smile at the memory. “I figured it’d be easy money so went up to them and asked them to teach me how to play. I hustled them but they didn’t take it well. The one followed me outside and I was bracing for the hit, but it never came. Some scrawny dude just held his wrist and goes ‘you wouldn’t hit a lady now would you?’ and takes the guy out. So not what I was expecting. We got to talking and he offered to help me out. I took him up on it but it lead to more. I found out he was a hunter and then just got hooked I guess. To suddenly find out all these monsters were actually real was incredible.”

“The anthropologist in you huh?” Sam says, he seems somewhat okay now.

“Yeah, guess so. Anyway, I just started reading everything I could. Soon if Garth had,” she’s interrupted.

“Did you say Garth? As in Fitzgerald?” Dean says stunned.

“The fourth. You know him?”

Dean just shakes his head, “yeah, we know Garth, how long has it been since you’ve seen him?”

“About a year or two. When some group was going after hunters he told me to lay low.”

The guys share a look, then Dean turns to her, “British Men of Letters. Not a problem anymore,” he smiles and nods to Sam.

“Ohkay. Well, yeah, any time he’d need info, he’d ask me. I kinda became the Overwatch of his group.”

“Dude, she likes DC too?” Dean asks Sam. Sam just shakes his head at his brother’s fanboy moment.

After a bit, he gave me a number to someone and said that he could probably use my help. I called and set up a meeting. By this point I was only going by A and figuring out how to stay hidden. I head to the bar and see two older guys arguing. The one matches who I was supposed to be looking for, so I go over. I step in front of the table and they stop bickering. The one turns to me and goes ‘sweetheart we’re too old for you, go find a nice young man to bother.’ which causes the other one to go ‘Rufus, shut your face would you, go get more drinks, this is A, right?.’”

“Bobby,” they say in kind of an awe.

“Yep, that was,” she thinks back, “summer 2009.”

“Wow. um… Think it’s break time for a bit before we go into our side of that timeframe,” Dean says standing up.

“How bad is it?” Alexa asks.

“Oh it’s a hell of a story,” Dean smiles proudly.

“Dean,” Castiel groans while Sam hangs his head.


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

 

Coming back into the library with refreshed snacks and drinks, they all find seats again. Interestingly Cas automatically takes the spot at Dean’s side while Alexa takes the opportunity to choose a slightly comfier chair with a cushion.

“Well, everyone ready?” Dean asks resulting in a chorus of varied agreement.

“Ok. I guess I’ll start, then Sam, then Cas can finish up, sound good?” They nod.

“So Sam goes to College, and dad and I keep hunting, I do more solo jobs so one time when I can’t get a hold of him, I figure out it’s bad. I go find Sammy, sorry ‘Sam’, living,” he pauses, he doesn’t really wanna tell her about Jess, but, kinda has to. Luckily Sam saves him.

“I was living with Jess then. This was about a year and half after you disappeared.”

“Um, yeah. So I go, tell him dad’s on a hunting trip and hasn’t been home in a few days. We leave to try to find him, and end up fighting a woman in white. Drive him back to his place, and, um, Jess, ends up dying like our mom. Fire caused by a demon.”

Alexa reaches over and lays her head on Sam’s shoulder with a soft “oh sweetie.”

“I’ll take that one,” he says as he briefly lays his head on hers.

“So we decide to hunt together and keep looking for dad. Eventually we do, but end up in a car accident. I would’ve died if our dad didn’t sell his soul to the same demon that he’d been hunting.”

“The one that killed your mom and Jess?!”

“Yep. After that Sam gets psychic powers because of the demon and ends up unknowingly fighting to lead his army. I find him, but it’s too late, this other guy,” he has a hard time saying it and Castiel puts his hand on his shoulder. That somehow gives him enough strength to continue. ‘This guy he, um, stabs, Sam,” Alexa can’t help the sharp breath she takes at that. “I end up selling my soul to bring him back. Got a year out of it. Towards the end of the year this demon, Ruby, starts actually helping us. But it just ends up getting her meat suit torn to shreds when the hellhounds came for me.”

There’s a moment of silence before Sam starts. “After I buried Dean, I ran,” he looks over at Alexa and she knows he means he’s sorry for before. “I didn’t talk to Bobby, and just hunted nonstop. After a bit, Ruby came back in a different vessel, and we, um, I wasn’t in a good place obviously, and we kind of had a thing. I was addicted to demon blood which gave me these special powers because I was ‘chosen’. I ran for four months,” he stops and looks at Cas who gives a quick grin, and looks at Dean, who seems caught in the middle of a few emotions.

“I believe that means it’s my turn. After Dean went to hell there was an order given to retrieve The Righteous Man from Hell. It was also the start of the Apocalypse as Dean had broken the first seal. So my flight and I battled our way through and I,” he pauses to look at Dean.

“Oh go ahead and say it,” he feigns annoyance.

“I gripped Dean’s soul tight and raised him from perdition,” he smiles at what must be an inside joke for them. “I then took the time to carefully rebuild him as well.”

“Which you made sure to leave your mark on too,” he turns to Alexa. “I thought some demon had rode me out.”

Cas rolls his eyes, “It’s no longer even there Dean,” he turns back to the story. I tried to communicate with Dean in my true voice,” Alexa starts laughing.

“But only vessels can hear that.”

“Well Dean was a vessel. Just not mine. But yes, it didn’t go well. Eventually Dean made his way to Bobby, and then they found Sam. After contacting a psychic, they tried to contact me. I tried to warn her to not look, but,” Alexa interrupts him.

“Her eyes burnt out,” she gives a squeeze to Sam’s hand which has somehow made its way into her’s.

“They did, unfortunately. But with my name, Dean and Bobby summoned me. And after finding my vessel, I appeared to them”

“Made a dramatic entrance,” Dean says.

“And then you shot and stabbed me,” they start to bicker.

Alexa turns to Sam who has a soft smile on his face, “is this normal?”

“For them? Yeah, pretty much. They’ve got this crazy bond I don’t really understand, but I think it has something to do with Cas being the one that held his soul as they left Hell. And before you do, don’t ask about Hell,” Sam’s eyes turn cold before he blinks and they come back to life.

Castiel clears his throat, “apologies,” he says while Dean still smiles. “I believe we’re at the part where I begin to understand that you don’t tell a Winchester they HAVE to do something. I tried to tell Sam and Dean that they were the true vessels of,” Alexa interrupts again.

“If Dean was The Righteous Man, then that would mean he’s Michael’s, correct?” Cas nods his head. “Then Sam would,” she sees Cas’s sad eyes turned on her. “Oh. Sam would be Lucifer’s,” Her eyes grow wide as she puts their stories together. “Oh god! I would have had to fight,” Castiel takes his chance to interrupt her.

“Yes. That’s why after you told me, I didn’t let them say their names around you. I didn’t want Sam to be Lucifer either. I got to know him as more than just a vessel. When I, uh, found you, I was very different. It was right after I had saved Dean from Hell. I was just a soldier carrying out a mission,” This time Alexa sees Dean reach over and gently lay his hand on Cas’s back. Sam squeezes her hand and she sees a look of confusion. _He must not know this part of Cas’s story._ Cas takes a minute and then continues. “Each time I would leave, it was to help them with something. I didn’t understand why, I just classified them as my charges, but now I can see that I helped them because they were becoming my friends. The others noticed, and felt I was getting too close to them.”

Alexa nods, remembering that part as well. “They said you were growing too attached. That you were risking everything for a, what did they call humans, oh yeah, for a stupid mud monkey. But they only seemed concerned about,” she stops herself and sees how Dean and Cas are sharing personal space. _Oh._ “Nevermind. What made you let me go though?”

“Sam and Dean, and Bobby, convinced me there was another way. So I told you to run and told you that you didn’t have to say yes when the time came. Eventually Dean refused to say yes to Michael no matter what dirty trick was pulled. And after finding a way to lock Lucifer in the cage again, Sam only said yes in order to trap him in it.”

The room falls silent again. But only briefly before Sam starts to turn to Cas. “What do you mean ‘when you found her’ and why was Lex going to fight?”

“Sam, not now,” Dean offers as a warning. He knows his brother isn’t ready to hear that.

“Wow, I feel like all I did after Cas told me to, was run and read angel lore. You guys actually fought Archangels,” Alexa tries to change the subject and Dean picks up on it quickly.

“It wasn’t all the heroics you think. Gabriel was a class A asshat, but a good guy when it came down to it,” he says. Cas has a sad look as he remembers the other angel. “Then all the fake realities Zach put us through, like that bizarro one in the office building, were we weren’t even brothers,” he looks at Sam.

“Or our warped heavens after those jackasses shot us,” Sam supplies.

“Wait what? Let’s get this out of the way now, just how many times HAVE you guys died?!”

“About 5? 6?,” Sam says like it’s no big deal.

“5,” Castiel offers shortly.

“Do we count all the times Gabe killed me in that mystery spot?,” Dean asks.

Sam quickly answers, “Yes. Those were as real as any other.”

“Then about 115 ish? I don’t know. Gets depressing counting them all.”

“Holy Shit. Um, ohkay. How did you keep coming back?”

“Chuck mostly, or sorry, God.”

Alexa sits there stunned for a minute before Dean breaks in, “Maybe we should take another break. I’m pretty hungry. Sam, you wanna go grab some burgers with me?”

“Ahh, yeah sure,” he gets up and heads out after Dean.

* * *

 

In the car Dean at least waits a few minutes before pouncing on his brother. “Dude. I figured out where I know Alexa from.” he says.

“What? Really? From where?” Sam asks really hoping it’s not what he just remembered.

“Your heaven.” _Shit._

“Oh. Um, yeah. She was there huh?”

“Dude, don’t play dumb with me. She was the girl you were living with. I thought it was going to be Jess, but then she walked out. Why didn’t you ever talk about her? You two were clearly serious,” Dean knows he’s pushing but he’s hoping it’s not too much.

“I was mad. I didn’t understand how she could just leave.”

“Sam, you said there were news reports that she disappeared, was kidnapped, whatever. That would pretty much give you your answer to what happened to her. She couldn’t have answered your calls if she were dead.”

“But she wasn’t! She couldn’t have been. I knew it.”

Dean gives him a few minutes.

“Sorry. I just, I had this feeling that she wasn’t dead. So I got angry. I agreed to go out with Jess to somehow spite her, and then things went well so I figured it was for the best. I ignored that something telling me she was alive despite doing everything I knew how to at the time to find her,” at that Dean raises an eyebrow.

“You tracked her?”

“Yeah, but obviously it didn’t work. Then you showed up, and well, when Jess died I just felt like that was it. No way could two girlfriends randomly die on me. If I stuck around I would have looked like I had killed both of them too. So I left with you and you know that rest. When Jess died, I let Lex die too.”

“I’m sorry man. Really.”


	7. Chapter 7

* * *

 

Back at the bunker Alexa and Cas continue to catch up.

“So if you’ve died, multiple times, how do you still have the same vessel?”

“It’s not a vessel anymore. Jimmy went to his heaven with Amelia the first time I was killed and brought back. I think I keep coming back in this form because it’s what Sam and Dean know as me.”

“So, you and Dean?”

“Yes? What about us?”

“You seem, close. Closer than I’ve seen with most angels, and definitely closer than you are with Sam.”

“Yes, Dean and I share a profound bond. We are able to understand each other more easily than others.”

“You love him.”

“Yes, I do. I love Sam as if he were my own brother as well. My friendship with the Winchesters has made me strong no matter what some may say. They are my family, and this is my home. With them.”

Alexa can tell that Cas means every word deeply and suddenly sees that Castiel really is just Cas now. She stands and moves over to where Dean was sitting. A little hesitant at first she then musters up the nerve and throws her arms around the angel. He is surprised, but soon wraps his arms around her as well. “Thank you Cas,” she says and sees him smile back at the use of his nickname.

 

The two of them tidy up the snacks of the morning before the brothers bring back the food. Not long after, they hear the door open and close and in another minute Sam and Dean walk in. Dean puts on the smile Alexa has quickly caught on to as being fake, and sets down the greasy bag. Sam remains quiet, while Dean and Cas seem to have an entire conversation without words. Or blinking. _It’s kind of creepy actually._ But then Cas’s eyes widen for just a moment before returning to normal, and then he continues eating. _Why is he eating anyway?_

 

After eating in a slightly awkward silence, they just kind of look at each other. In a slightly awkward silence. Dean keeps giving Sam this look like he knows something he shouldn’t, which must annoy Sam because he gives a bitchface back each time. Cas keeps looking at all of them in turn waiting for something to happen. Each is afraid to start the next chapter.

“So, you eat?” Alexa asks.

“Sometimes. I don’t need to eat, but I have found a few things that I enjoy.

“Ahh,” is the only thing she can think to say. _Yep, that just made it a bit weirder._

“So, you guys wanna keep going?” Sam shocks everyone by asking.

A look and then agreement is shared by the other three.

“Is there a short version? Like highlight reel?”

Dean laughs, “umm, we could try. You may have some questions though.”

“Oh I’m sure.”

“Well, um, okay… so Sam said yes to Lucifer and went in the cage and I fulfilled my promise to try living a normal life. He made me swear,” he says pointing at Sam. “So I lived with an old girlfriend, went ok until Sam came back soulless. I turned into a vamp briefly, we fought fairies, dragons are real, in an alternate universe our lives are a tv show, and Fate gets pissy if you mess with her plan,” Dean rattles off. Alexa just looks at him kind of blankly.

“Sammy, did I break her?”

“No, she’s good. We can continue,” he says laughing.

“If you say so. Let’s see, there was Eve, mother of all monsters. Getting Sam’s soul back.”

“War with Raphael,” interrupts Cas.

“Right, yeah. That’s why you ate all the souls and become a god. The mental wall that was protecting Sam breaks.” Alexa notices the look Cas gives Dean at that, almost guilty, but doesn’t ask, and Dean continues. “He starts having hallucinations and can’t tell what’s real or not while Leviathans are running around and Cas is gone.” _Again with the guilty look. So many questions, but they can wait. Maybe I should write them down._ “Sam gets married.”

“Wait what?!” _Okay that one can’t wait._

“Dean! Come on! You know that doesn’t count.”

Turning to Sam, “Oh no. we’re going into this for a minute.”

Sam sighs, “fine. Her name was Becky, she was an obsessed fangirl of Chuck’s Supernatural books, which were the Winchester Gospel. Remember Chuck is God, and back then we thought he was just a prophet, but that’s getting off track. Becky got a wiccan friend to make a love potion and drugged me with it. So we got married. But then when she ran out, the spell wore off, and we had it annulled. That was the first time we met Garth by the way. Turned out there was a demon collecting souls early with some planned accidents. Becky’s also the girl that Chuck and I both kinda dated. Although I think they were actually a thing.”

“Wow. That’s a lot to, wow. Ok. Continue,” she says taking a few steadying breaths. Turning her attention back to Dean she sees Cas slightly shaking his head at him, and Dean mouthing ‘what?’ before kind of shrugging it off. It looks a lot like he was being scolded for something. _I should ask Cas later._

“Well next,” Dean pauses to think. Then quickly his face falls and he looks down at his feet while running a hand over the back of his neck. She notices Cas put his hand over Dean’s briefly, then look down as well. She turns to Sam and sees him mirror his brothers.

“What? What happens next?”

Sam clears his throat. “Um, next is Bobby dies.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry kid. If we had known that there was anyone out there close to him we would’ve,” Dean starts.

“No. You have nothing to be sorry about. If I wasn’t so stubborn I wouldn’t have to catch up on the last however many years. I should’ve listened to him. He never told me wrong, he looked out for me, I should’ve just met ‘his boys’. If I had,” She’s cut off by Cas.

“We all have a lot of ‘ifs’ when it comes to our pasts, perhaps things would have gone differently. But that doesn’t mean they would have turned out for the better. I wish I hadn’t worked with Crowley, hurt you, set off the chain of events that led to his death, _wait what?!_ But I fell believing that we all had the choice, and Bobby fought for that as well. Sometimes stronger than any of us,” he says the last bit looking at Sam then lingering on Dean. _They’re staring again, but wait, is he crying?_

Dean blinks a few times before clearing his throat. “Cas is right. We all have our regrets. We do what we think is right and sometimes we end up making a mess, but then we try to clean up that mess.”

“Which sometimes leads to a bigger mess,” Sam says with a half laugh.

“Yeah well, but we do our best. Like when Cas came back as Emmanuel. After remembering what happened he took over the visions from you because he knew what he did was wrong. So he stayed in the loony bin with Meg, while we went after Dick.”

Alexa slowly raises her hand.

“Yeah?” Dean asks.

Just a couple questions, How did Cas come back as Emmanuel? Earlier he said that he’s always come back in this form. Second, who’s Crowley and Meg?

Cas nods and then starts, “while earlier wasn’t a lie, when I came back from dying and letting the leviathans loose, I had no recollection of being an angel. A woman found me and gave me the name, but I still looked like this.”

Dean interrupts, “There was a rumor going around about a healer that could work miracles, so I went to see if he could help Sammy. When I got there I found him,” he points to Cas who’s giving a small smile. “Only thing was, he had no idea who I was, but for some reason he still came with me to try and help. He did end up remembering when we got there, and Cas was back,” he says with a small smile of his own.

“Crowley and Meg were demons. Crowley was the King of Hell, and Meg was a friend when it was convenient for her. She stayed to watch over Cas when he was in the mental hospital, and then helped us find Dick. I think it was just because she and Cas had a thing,” he winks at Cas.

“What? You dated a demon? How does that even work? You rebel!” Alexa laughs. She can see that it’s just meant to lighten the mood of the topic, and she’s grateful Cas is willing.

“She called me Clarence for some reason.”

“Ok, enough with the demon ex talk,” Dean huffs.

“Oh be quiet Dean, you’re only mad because you’d be the demon ex if we continued,” Sam retorts.

“You were a demon? How? You’re human now though, right?”

“We’ll get there, but yes and yes,” he says gruffly. “Let’s just keep going.

“Anyway, Meg and Crowley help us get to Dick and SucroCorp, and then killing him sent Dean and Cas to Purgatory. Dean came out, then a bit later Cas somehow came back.” Both have their heads bent down, but they’re slightly turned to each other. _I bet they’re staring again. What is going on there? Dean was a demon, maybe Cas has a thing for demons? That’d be weird._ “Then there was a demon named Abbadon that wanted to take over the throne from Crowley.” _Wait, are we done talking about purgatory? What happened? Did I miss something? How long were they gone? How did Cas get back?_ “She time traveled with our grandfather Henry, tracking down the Men of Letters. That’s how we got the bunker,” Sam pauses obviously thinking that was enough information. _So wrong._

“And the cool cars,” Alexa hopes this will bring the other two still having a moment back into the conversation. Seeing Dean smirk makes her call the tactic a win.

Sam laughs, “yes, and the cool cars.

“Ok. So then what happened?” She asks.

“There was the Angel Tablet,” Cas starts.

“Wait, that was supposed to be a myth. There are accounts of it being mentioned, but no one had ever found any concrete proof. Including several angels.”

“It was real. And it was a spell that cast out the angels from Heaven. Metatron tricked me, stole my grace, and used it to cast the spell. I caused my brothers and sisters to fall, indirectly, but it was still on me. I then became human for a time. It was,” he pauses, “enlightening,” he looks off as if remembering.

“And to kill Abaddon I took on the Mark of Cain,” Dean steps in to pick up where Cas leaves off. Alexa’s eyes widen and before she can ask anything, Dean continues. “So we go after Abaddon, our grandfather ends up dying in our time, which is why our dad thought he ran out on them, and then go after Metatron.”

“But it doesn’t work out,” Sam butts in. “Metatron ended up killing Dean. The mark brought him back, but as a demon. We obviously got him cured, and back to being Dean, but he still had the mark. To get rid of it we had Crowley’s mother Rowena, she’s a witch, find the spell,” he stops as Alexa interrupts.

“From the Book of the Damned?”

“Yeah. How did you?” but he decides to let it go. “Along with the spell, he, uh, he killed Death.”

“Wait, like the horseman? THE Death?”

“Yes, but even though it got rid of the mark, it unleashed Amara, or ‘The Darkness’.”

“Which was when cities kept reporting the strange fog and then residents got some weird zombie virus, right?”

“Yeah… how do you know about the Book of the Damned and the reports?” Dean asks.

“Well the Book of the Damned is an element that’s withstood just about every culture and thousands of years. I came across some info on it when I was researching with some hunters. They felt that they were onto something angelic, so reached out. I told them the brief history of it’s lore, but they decided it wasn’t worth their time. Instead they went after the strange fog and virus. They ended up getting caught in it and got the virus.”

“How do you know they died though,” Cas asks.

Alexa hesitates. “Because, I um, I was there with them. I saw it take them.”

Sam jumps in, “how didn’t you get it?”

“I don’t really know. I just, didn’t,” she shrugs. “So you guys are, um, close, with a lot of demons…” trying to change the subject.

Dean huffs a laugh, “yeah… but for the most part they were all upfront about who they were. Unlike some,” he looks at Sam.

Alexa follows his gaze and sees Sam shake his head then look up and smirk at her.

“What?” she asks hesitantly.

“Brady.”

“Wait what?! Brady was a demon? Not saying I’m surprised but’ 

“Yeah. And I never understood why you two hated each other so much.” 

“Because he was a dick.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“I told you he was a dick. Multiple times. And because every teen movie says that the good guy has an asshole friend. I figured once college was over you’d move on.” 

“He never did anything to you though but” she scoffs “what?” Suddenly serious. “What did he do?” 

“I can’t remember how many times I told him no, but he kept trying to hookup with me. That’s why I never liked when you left us alone.”

“Shit,” Dean says. They forgot he and Cas were still there. Sam stands shocked.

“Yeah. That party?” Sam nods. “He backed me against the wall, and kissed me while his hands went up my shirt.”

Sam’s face flashes with horror but settles on fuming. “I didn’t kill him slowly enough,” he says carefully. 

“Excuse me?”

“I killed him when we found out he set me up with Jess because she was just part of Azazel’s plan. That he was working for him all along. I had no idea he tried....” goes quiet for a second. “Son of a bitch!” He stands and starts pacing. Other three exchange looks. “He did it. He knew. Dammit!” He turns to Alexa “I’m so sorry. I had no idea back then.” He runs his hands through his hair and starts pacing again.

“Sammy. Wanna fill the rest of us in here? What just happened man?”

“This all happened for a reason. God I’m such an idiot. I don’t know why I didn’t put it together sooner. Probably because I didn’t want to think about Alexa.”

“Thanks,” she says sarcastically.

“Not like that. I just meant because it hurt too much. Jess hurt, a lot, but I had answers and could move on. You... I had nothing.’

“Sam,” Cas says, “that still doesn’t explain what you just put together that the rest of us didn’t catch.”

He resumes his pacing.

“And we lost him again,” Dean’s says while starting to get up.

‘No I got this.’ Alexa gets up and moves into Sam’s path and waits for him to reach her on the next pass. When he’s in front of her she reaches out and grabs his wrists. He stops, looks at his wrists then at her. 

“Sam, sweetie, you have to tell us what’s going on in there. We want to help and give you those answers, but we can’t If you don’t share what we just missed. Ok?”

He nods and the move back to the table. Dean looks impressed and Alexa moves to the seat next to Sam while she doesn’t stop touching him in someway. She has her hand on his back, or shoulder, or arm. “Breathe sweetie. Then tell us.”

Sam takes a few deep breaths then looks up. When he speaks his voice sounds like he hasn’t used it in weeks. 

“He always kept trying to get me to dump you. He said you would never let me live my destiny.” Dean and Cas both take a sharp breath causing Alexa to look even more confused.

“Ok. I think Dean and Cas caught up, but I’m still lost babe. Explain to me.”

“Brady was sent to make sure I fulfill the destiny of being part of Azazel’s army and Lucifer’s true vessel. You weren’t letting me because you didn’t let him get close enough. He needed you gone. So he tried to get you to leave me by hitting on you, or telling me to leave you. But it didn’t work. Then you asked me to go home with you for Christmas.” It clicks for Alexa now too.

Her hand moves from Sam to her mouth. ‘No’ she starts shaking her head like she can’t believe it.

It’s Sam’s turn to ground her with a hand on her thigh and the other on her shoulder, and he continues. “I told him I wasn’t going to go. He knew you wouldn’t know what happened and your reaction would be to protect me. And he should have known that I was raised a hunter. I would’ve put the pieces together and ruined the entire thing if I were there.

“He…”

“It fits. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. When you ran, like he knew you would, he was able to get closer to me and introduced me to Jess.” They’re both in tears now.

“It’s not your fault.” She says as she wipes a tear from his face, ignoring her own.

“I should have gone with you, but I was scared. We were young, and I was so in love with you. I was hiding a huge part of my life from you. I knew I’d lose you if you found out. You’d think I was insane.”

Alexa holds up her hand silencing him. She looks up and then stands. Sam gets up with her but she waves him off, then leaves the room. Dean gets up and takes her now vacant seat next to his little brother. Sam lets him easily pull him into a hug.

“She’s leaving,” his words muffled by Dean’s shirt.

Dean rolls his eyes making Cas smile, _it’s amazing how stupid my genius brother can be,_ he thinks. “You don’t know that. I’m sure she just needs to process. That was an entire lifetime she just listened to, dude.”

Clearly tired of watching Sam suffer, Cas joins them. Laying a gentle hand on Sam’s shoulder to draw his attention, “Sam Winchester, did you not listen to the conversation we were having,” he says. At Sam’s confused face he continues, ‘when she found out about this world, did she run? No, she became an expert in angel lore, ancient texts such as the Book of the Damned, and faced the darkness and came out untouched. When she walked in she knew immediately this was a Men of Letters bunker. She didn’t flinch at anything we told her until you connected Brady to her family’s deaths. To be fair you had a similar reaction when you figured it out. Dean’s right, give her a chance. I’ll go check on her, ok?”

Sam lifts his head from his hands and nods. As Cas stands and leaves the room, he pushes his hair from his face.

Dean lets out a breath and leans back in the chair. “Man, I thought Jess had you messed up.”

“Dean,” Sam says almost warningly.

“No. I mean, wow. When you said it felt like it used to before, you meant you picked right up loving her as soon as you saw her again, didn’t you?”

Sam stands and starts pacing again, “You mean as soon as I realized she wasn’t a hallucination again?”

“What,” Dean’s small smile falters.

“When we walked in and saw her, I immediately thought she was one of Lucifer’s hallucinations again. He would show me visions of us happy and then, it was like I would blink and she’d be gruesomely murdered somehow. That was a common one for all of you. He’d show me you, her, Cas, Jess, everyone, ok one minute and then dead the next. Usually because of me.”

“Sam,”

“No. I’m over that, I know she’s real, that those visions weren’t, all of that. It’s ok.”

“I was going to say that you’re avoiding the question but we’ll ignore that for now.”

“What do you want me to say Dean? I shouldn’t, but I do. It’d be terrible for us to be together though. Look at our lives. We only reunited because she got shot and was close to someone we used to know too.”

Dean’s had enough, “Sam sit down,” he stiffens and says roughly. “Stop this shit right now. Thinking like that is what got you in trouble in the first place. She’s badass, man, and you don’t see it! I’m pretty sure she could kick all of our asses and not break a sweat. She’s tough,” he smiles and makes eye contact with Sam. “I like her and Bobby was right, if we had had her on our side during the past 15 years,” he stops to think back. “Man, I can already think of some of the things that never would have happened to us.”

Sam’s resolve seems to break and he slumps in a chair. They’re quiet for a moment before Sam starts to smile. Dean rubs his temples almost afraid to ask what his brother’s thinking. He takes a breath and then does anyway, “What?”

Sam looks up, “I’m sorry. You’re right. She is badass. Always has been. Toughest girl I ever met. And so smart.”

“Yeah, well don’t be stupid and treat or think of her like she isn’t.”

"I know, but, c’mon. You know we weren’t taught how to deal with that. You saw how he acted when he found out Jess died. I think it was the first and only time he actually accepted me because we finally had something in common. If it weren’t for you,” he stops as he sees Cas re-enter the room.

“How is she?” Dean asks.

“She’ll be back in a minute. She just needed to find something.”

“What,” Sam asks.

“You’ll see. Dean, would you mind helping me clean up until then?”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” he says getting up.

They gather stuff from the table and leave the room. Out in the hallway Cas turns to Dean, “I didn’t really need your help.”

“Yeah, got that. What’s up? Suddenly he worries that they’ve been wrong and Alexa is going to leave. “She’s not?”

“No. Alexa isn’t leaving. She’s ok. When I went to her room she was looking for something. She wouldn’t let me see what it was, but she said Sam gave it to her.”

They stand there a minute while Dean processes. “ok, I’m sure it could be a million things,” he says while continuing to the kitchen.

“Dean, I feel that Sam and Alexa share a profound bond as well,” he calls as he follows Dean.

Entering the kitchen Dean quietly turns to him, “Well clearly man, within seconds he’s telling me he’s in love with her again.”

“No Dean, I believe their bond formed so quickly because of another reason.”

“Listen man, I know what they have is crazy strong, but we agreed to let them figure that out on their own. If they get it together, great, I’d love to see Sammy that happy. If not though, we’re gonna have to clean up the mess. So no throwing any ‘profound bond’ talk out there, ok?”

Cas seems to weigh the outcomes a moment before giving a slight nod, “it seems you are correct Dean. I also seem to find it hard to decide who I would comfort. I already let Alexa down once, but Sam is a brother.”

Slapping a hand on his back, “Tell me about it. I already feel this need to protect her too. It’s weird.” They turn and head back to the library when they see Alexa has already made it back and is holding up something in front of a very stunned Sam.

Edging in closer not wanting to disturb them, Dean notices what she’s holding.

“Son of a bitch! You gave that to her? I thought you said you lost it. It was one of the only things we had left of her!”

Their eyes dart to Dean. Alexa looks like she’s been frozen, Sam jumps up to shield her and starts pleading with his big brother.

“Dean, listen, I didn’t have anything else good enough,” he’s cut off.

“So you gave her mom’s bracelet? Why didn’t you just tell me? Why did you hide this entire part of your life from me until now and then give me the whole speech to live with Lisa?!”

“Dean,” the deep steady voice comes from behind him and he looks to Cas.

“But he,” he’s silenced when Cas’s right hand reaches up to his left bicep.

“Perhaps instead of interrupting them, we should ask if they want to share, or if they want us to leave, remember what we discussed just a few moments ago.”

Dean sighs. Cas is right but he hates to admit it. He hates that he’s been so mad at Sam for no reason, and that anger could’ve been forgiven if he would have just told him the truth. Then when Mary came back and he wanted something more. Dean scoffed because if he wanted something all these years maybe he shouldn’t have lost it. The hand on his arm gives a subtle squeeze and he opens his eye seeing the challenge in the blue ones filling his vision. “Sorry, do you want us to leave?”

Alexa and Sam share a silent conversation, before Sam speaks up, “No Dean, I’ve hid enough from you already. Yes I gave Alexa mom’s bracelet because, it was perfect for her,” he holds up his hand to prevent the argument he knows is brewing in his brother’s head. I said I lost it because I lost her, so it wasn’t exactly a lie. And having a piece of mom’s jewelry isn’t the same as having actual memories of her like you had.”

“You’re right, but at that time that was all we had of her. It’s not like we knew we’d get her back.”

“I know, but we can’t go there right now. One story at a time, yeah?”

“Yeah. Sorry.” He and Cas resume their seats and Dean can’t help but look like the reprimanded child under Cas’s gaze.

Sam turns back to Alexa who’s looking down at the small charms in her hand. A much larger one covers it and then she looks up at Sam who’s asking her a silent question. It’s then she notices that he’s hold open the bracelet as if he’s going to put it on. She looks back up and shakes her head. “I’m sorry. It’s um, I just brought it out to show you that I still had it. That I don’t blame you in the slightest for what happened,” she hangs her head.

“Lex,” and she’s wrapped in Sam’s arms in a tight embrace. After a few moments they pull apart. He brushes a strand of hair from her face and then they sit down. “Do we want to finish up and then head to bed. I can’t believe we’ve been at this all day.”

“Yeah well it’s a lot to go over. And she’s not even asking like half the questions I’m sure she has,” Dean winks at her and she finds it odd that he seems to know her so well.

“We don’t have much more to go. Just teaming up with Lucifer to get rid of Amara, your mother, and the british men of letters, then losing Mary with Lucifer,” Cas supplies.

“Yeah, simple things,” Sam half laughs. “But ok, let’s wrap it up I guess. Teamed with lucifer to get rid of the Darkness. Cas said yes thinking it would help, but Lucifer had plans of his own too. We ended up getting Cas back obviously, and in the end it’s how we discovered Chuck was God. Dean ended up reconciling he and Amara, so Amara brought our mom back. But before I knew that he hadn’t died, a member of the British Men of Letters shot and captured me. So then we were against them and they started taking out hunters who wouldn’t join them. Which is when you heard from Garth. It was a nasty showdown but we won. And then that’s when Lucifer decides to make his stand, he almost kills Cas, but Mom stepped in and they ended up going through this portal and getting trapped there.” there’s silence as Sam finishes.

“Oh sweeties,” and Alexa is off the chair pulling each on in for a hug. Sam can’t stop the smile that breaks his previous solemn expression. _Maybe she is the same girl still._

“So yeah, that’s pretty much it,” Sam yawns, “the big points anyway. Tomorrow we go over your side?”

“Um, yeah. It’ll probably go a lot faster than that though,” she laughs. “Although I’ll probably ask all the questions I didn’t today.”

“Of course you will,” Sam says as he pulls her in and brushes his lips against her hair. “Night,” and he starts walking to his room completely missing the shocked look on Alexa’s face.

She turns to Dean who has a similar look of shock on his face, and then to Cas who looks like he’s trying to come up with an excuse. It doesn’t seem to be his strong suit. She’s snapped out of the reverie when Dean clears his throat, “well we should probably head to bed too. Night Alexa. Cas?”

“Good night Alexa, I’ll see you in the morning,” with that both he and Dean turn and start to leave.

“Wait, Cas?”

“Yes?” they both stop.

“Could, um, could you stay with me for just another minute?”

“Of course, is everything alright?” he’s already walking back towards her.

“Yeah, I uh, just have a couple questions.”

“Of course. Dean, I’ll be there in a bit to discuss that with you.”

Dean nods, “Yeah, uh, I have something to ask Sammy anyway. Take your time. Night again Alexa,” and he leaves Cas and Alexa alone.

“What did you want to ask?” Cas questions seriously.

“Well, it was more if there was anything else I should know, and tell you something, but now I have to ask how long you and Dean have been together.”

A look of confusion comes over Cas, “We’re not, we aren’t together.”

“Cas, you and he were about to go to bed together. And all day today the two of you have been flirty, and coupley.”

Cas shakes his head. “It’s not like that. Dean and I share a bond as I said. When we were ‘going to bed’,” he air quotes, “we were just leaving you alone to process. Although I have a feeling we would have wound up having a discussion with Sam, or rather Dean would have spoken to him, and I would have made sure he didn’t say anything stupid,” he says with a soft smile.

“See, that, that makes you seem like a couple instead of brothers. But whatever, this is getting off topic from my original questions,” she sits down.

Cas nods, “There is a great deal more to the stories you heard today, but I don’t believe there is anything of great importance that was left out. I’m sure those little details will come out the longer you’re here. Now what is it you would like to tell me?

Alexa takes a deep breath, _I think Sam wants to be a couple again and I can’t. I just, it’s too much._ “Thank you for everything you did for me. And them. You, are awesome. Night.” and with that she leaves a bewildered angel alone in the library.

* * *

 

“Sam, what the hell, you can’t do that. It freaked her out.”

“I didn’t realize what was happening Dean, ok? I can’t help it!”

“Well you better learn to because you’re gonna make her run.” Dean leaves Sam sitting on his bed running his hands over his face. Walking back down the hall to his room, he opens the door to see Cas already sitting there.

“Hello Dean”

“Hey Cas, is she ok?”

“I believe she’s just a bit overwhelmed. Hopefully tomorrow will clear up things for everyone,” he gets up to move to his room, when Dean stops him.

“Um, you coming back?”

“Yes Dean, I’m just going to get my book and then I’ll be back. I know today was a lot for you as well. Bringing up those memories don’t make for an easy night.”

“Thanks man.”


	8. Chapter 8

* * *

 

Alexa walks to the kitchen to get a drink before heading to bed. Finishing off her glass of water she makes her way to her room. Reaching the door she stops and looks over to the closed door of Sam’s room before opening hers and getting ready for bed.

Surprisingly she’s asleep not long after her head hits the pillow. What’s not surprising is the nightmares, and waking up in a panic almost every hour. Memories are twisted, her mind makes up its own versions of what she heard, and all around it’s just a lot of hurt. Around 4 she wonders if she should give up and just make breakfast for everyone. Deciding to give it one more try she closes her eyes and falls back to sleep.

She’s in a field when she hears a scream. Walking towards it with her blade ready she keeps to the shadows. Up ahead she sees a house with a single light on. Getting closer she can hear yelling and fighting, gunshots, and then silence. She opens the door and it becomes a barn. Suddenly there’s an arm around her neck and she can’t find her blade. She prays to Castiel and calls for Sam. The arm tightens and no matter how hard she tries she can’t see what has her. Then she hears her name; it’s Sam, Dean, and Cas. as soon as they get close they’re flown across the barn. There’s a crack as a beam falls on Dean, then there’s a flash of bright light as Cas is stabbed, and somehow she’s now standing over Sam. He’s on his knees begging her not to, but then there’s a blade in her hand and she swings down.

Waking with a jolt she doesn’t even stop to look at the time but gets up to take a shower and then start breakfast and coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. Feeling a bit better after the shower, she actually sees that it’s now 6:30 which means the boys will most likely be up soon, or at least Sam will if he kept his habits up. The thought of knowing Sam’s routine so well again makes her chest go tight for a moment. _I can’t stay here. It’s too much._

“Mornin, uh, wasn’t expecting anyone to be up yet,” Sam says nervously. _Why is he nervous? I’m the one freaking out here._

“Oh, yeah, guess I just wanted to get the rest of the story out of the way. How late do Dean and Cas sleep usually?” she throws over her shoulder while turning back to the coffee pot as if it’s far more interesting than it is.

“Um, well Cas doesn’t sleep, so he should be in at any moment when he hears us. Dean usually comes around in about an hour. Did you sleep alright? You, uh, nevermind, I’m gonna go out for a bit,” and with that he puts in his earbuds and leaves.

She turns back to the pantry and starts pulling ingredients for breakfast. Looking at her stash she decides that french toast, bacon, and fruit is the best way to go. Normally a fairly quick meal, it takes a bit longer learning where everything is. While putting the bread back she hears voices before Dean and Cas walk in. Cas may not sleep but he definitely looks as though he’s been laying in a bed. His eyes widen a bit when he sees her. As do Dean’s.

“Morning boys. I hope french toast and bacon is ok with you. Also Coffee’s ready,” with that Dean heads straight to the pot while Cas walks over to her.

“Would you like some help?”

“Ah, no, I think I got it. Thanks though.”

“Of course,” his eyes fall on Dean who’s thoroughly enjoying his cup, and the faint smile is no doubt an unconscious decision. “I’ll be right back,” he says as he leaves the room. Dean gives a grunt but he still cracks an eye to watch the angel leave.

“Is Sammy up yet?” and his voice actually startles her.

“Ah yeah, he went for a run I think.” Looking at her watch she adds, “about 30 minutes ago.” and goes back to watching the bacon as Cas returns but this time with his book. He’s also still in the pajama pants and tshirt and takes Dean’s seat when he gets up for a second cup.

It’s all quiet as she starts the toast until Dean lets out a “Mornin Sammy!”

A few minutes later he comes in a heads to the coffee pot. First he grabs 4 plates and silverware, setting them down next to Alexa, then goes to pour his cup. Taking a few sips he grabs the fruit and starts moving it and the bacon to the island. Looking behind him he can see that the slices of toast are almost ready and grabs the plates. He loads 3 with fruit, 2 of those with a decent amount of bacon, 1 with only a few. The last one has about a handful of bacon. Alexa holds out her hand for a plate. Handing her the first one she loads it with a couple of slices and then sets it down. They do this for the rest of the plates than as she’s finishing up the last plate, he takes over the first two for Dean and Cas. He goes back, grabs his, and his coffee, and heads back to the table followed by Alexa.

“This looks awesome!” Dean says while taking a large bite of bacon. The rest dig in as well. After they finish, Dean stands and grabs the dishes. “So what’s the plan?”

Cas gets up and grabs a dish towel, “I believe Alexa is going to catch us up on her years.”

“I told you, it’s really not that exciting. Laid low, met Garth, met Bobby, found out about angels, heard some things, stayed out of most of it, you know…”

The other three exchange a look. “Do you really not want to tell us?” Sam speaks up.

“I didn’t do anything like you guys did so I don’t know why you’d want to know,” she’s reading the back cover of Cas’s book.

“Uh, Sam, Cas, why don’t you head to the library.”

There’s some muffled words but then they leave. Dean walks over and sits in front of Alexa. “Listen, I know whatever you went through was tough, but those two need to know. We can go about it anyway you’d like, but like I said, I know they have questions they need answered from you. And I have a few too, so I’ll give you a minute, but then get your ass in the library. Got it?” and he stands but waits for Alexa to make eye contact. When she does there’s a small smile that shows she’s got it. “Okay then,” and saunters down the hall.

“Jerk,” Alexa mumbles to herself with a fond smile. _Dean is definitely a good big brother._ Taking a deep breath she stands and heads down the hall herself.

Stepping in the library she sees that the others have already taken their seats and seem to be expecting her. “Well ok, captive audience.”

“Figure it out yet?”

“Not sure. Part of me thinks answering specific questions may be easier, but I don’t know. I guess I could tell you up until I lost touch with Cas and then answer questions from there.”

“Ok, so the last we heard was you met Bobby, and Rufus,” Dean supplies.

“Yeah, so he kinda looked me over and insisted on taking me in to get back to a ‘fighting weight’ as he put it. I’m with him for a few weeks where we research from some other hunters and then it just kinda hit me how attached I had gotten; how easy it was. So I told him I had to leave to help out a friend. I’m pretty sure he saw right through it, but still let me go. After he gave me the contacts of a bunch of people that could help me across the states. I don’t hear from him until around October,” she stops when she sees Dean and Cas share a look.

“What?”

Dean clears his throat, “ah nothing, go ahead.”

“Well after I left his place, I go back to normal routine, until September when I get kidnapped by angels,” she’s quickly interrupted.

“Which ones? Who were they?” Sam demands.

“Sam,” Castiel says warningly, “let her continue.”

Alexa takes a steadying breath and looks at Cas who gives her a gentle nod. “They tell me to wait till their leader gets there,” she makes eye contact again then drops her gaze. “It was Castiel,” there’s a sharp intake of breath beside her. She avoids looking until she hears them all stand at once and Dean tell Sam to sit back down. She looks up to see Dean between Cas and Sam, who looks like he’s about to wail on Cas.

Alexa stands between Dean and Sam, placing her hands on his chest draws his attention away from Cas. “Sam, sit down. Let me finish.”

“But he!”

“Sam, if he had done anything to me, do you think I would have been happy to see him like I was? Do you think I wouldn’t have done what you’re trying to do? He doesn’t deserve this. He SAVED me,” Sam instantly stills and softens. “Now sit back down and let me finish, alright?”

“Ok,” and he sulks back to his seat. The other three let out a sigh of relief.

“So you remember how Cas was back then. He was hard, and cold, and blunt. We began training to make me a worthy vessel for Leliel who was meant to have a battle against Lucifer, if he’s freed.” Sam again looks over at Cas but this time with wide eyes. “During the training there were times when he would leave, and the other angels, they weren’t as nice. After a few times of him leaving they tried to break me. And I guess they did. When Cas came back to train I was ok one minute, and then the next  I kind of had a breakdown and told Castiel about everything including Sam, but he said nothing. Over time he became more understanding and ‘human’. I didn’t understand why. Then the other angels said he was getting too close to ‘them’. It’s a tense few moments and then their blades come out. Cas tells me to run, that I can make my own choices, and I don’t have to say yes. I just stood there in shock as the other angels begin to crowd us. I started to stay but Cas turns to me and yells for me to run again, and I do. This time when I turn back I see them start to fight and run faster. When I get somewhere safe, I prayed to Castiel but never got a response. I thought that was the last time I’d ever see him.”

“I’m sorry Cas,” Sam says sheepishly.

“It’s alright Sam. I’m not exactly proud of what happened.”

“How long were you there?” Sam asks.

“Umm, I um, I don’t really know.”

“32 days,” Cas replies quietly and Alexa meets his eyes for a moment.

“Did you talk to Bobby when you got out?” Dean asks.

“No. I did run to the Cabin, but I didn’t contact him. No way was I bringing that to him,” she smiles, “although it seems you did.” It breaks the tension a bit and she decides to continue. “While in hiding I read everything I could on Angels, well more than I had already read, and then I get an email from Bobby telling me to lay low and dig up whatever I can on them. So I dropped off a bunch that had the most info on them one night. Something told me not to go too far so I stayed fairly close, but he had no idea. Each time he’d ask for something I would give him the info and he’d tell me that I should meet his boys now that he had them back. He seemed different. Like whatever he needed it for was big and dangerous, but at the same time he seemed happier. That was basically our relationship up until I didn’t receive anything for a while. All of our conversations seemed to be, ‘what do you have on this?’ I’d tell him. ‘Ok you need to meet my boys’ ‘no Bobby. You know I don’t like strings.’ ‘bull. What do you think what we have is? It’s too dangerous out there alone.’ But obviously I never listened to him.”

“He never mentioned our names?” Dean asks.

“No. It was part of our conditions. Never any names.”

“But you helped him, US so many times,” Sam says incredulously. “The whole Angel thing when Dean came back, then the demon blood detox for me. What about Dick Roman?’

“He made it very clear for me to stay out of that. But I may have rerouted some news articles and tips to him,” she shares with a sly smile.

“Damn, Charlie would have had the biggest crush on you,” Dean laughs.

“Who’s Charlie?”

“Best annoying little sister we never wanted. She was awesome,” Dean gets a sad look on his face and sniffs. Alexa figures it’s best to let it go, especially because she can tell that the past tense means she died instead of just left their lives.

“I just can’t believe you were so close the whole time, to everything, but we never found you. Cas, did you ever try to find her?”

“No, unfortunately for some reason or another I never heard her prayers, and then well, you were there.”

“Yeah, just, wow.” Sam gets this strange look on his face.

“If you were so close to our lives, why didn’t you contact Sam? You had to have heard that he was alive,” Dean ask almost accusingly.

“After I ran that first time, I heard that you two had died in some police station explosion. Then I heard you died again. Then I was sure Cas had died. I had asked any angel I came across and they would all tell me that he had died. So why would I continue to look?”

“But you had to have heard our names or something, people we’ve never even met knew things about us,” Dean stands and walks over to her, “how could you have NOT known? Did you think it was some other Sam Winchester?!”

Sam stands to step between them but doesn’t have to as Alex shoots up and makes a presence as tall as Dean on her own. “I didn’t hear his name because I didn’t WANT to. If someone started trading hunter stories I left. Stories and personal details were just more reason for torture and I had enough information to warrant that on my own without connecting it to someone. Let alone the person I loved. So excuse me for that.”

Dean takes a step back, “And don’t look at me like that or so help me you’ll need Cas to heal your ass.” They stare at each other while Dean’s are albeit a little bigger than normal. She feels an arm wrap around her shoulders while she sees Cas step between them and turn Dean around to take a few steps away.

The arm tightens slightly causing her to finally look up. “Hey, it’s ok. He, uh, gets like that sometimes.” Looking over she sees Cas leaving the room while Dean runs his hand over the back of his neck then lean against the wall, arms crossed. “He’ll come around.”

“He doesn’t have to. He did nothing wrong. It’s what I did.”

“You didn’t,” Sam starts.

“Hey, Sam, can I talk to Alexa alone?”

“Dean, you just tore into her, do you really think,” he’s cut off.

“I know. I need to apologize. Can we have a minute? Go help Cas get more coffee or something.”

“Fine but if I hear a raised voice from either of you, I’m coming back in here.”

“Yeah, got the same warning from Cas…” he says rolling his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Alexa starts when Sam is out of sight.

“I thought I had to apologize to you?”

“No. I was overly defensive. After I ran I looked him up on Myspace and stuff. I saw that he was dating Jess, and how happy he looked. It’s what I wanted, but at the same time,” she’s interrupted.

“It hurt like hell?”

“Yes. And then I heard what happened, and it seemed like it was pointless. I ran to protect him and then when he needed someone I couldn’t be there because I was supposed to be dead. Then he dies, or at least I think so, and it breaks my heart all over again. I couldn’t get close to anyone. So then think about how it would feel to hear he was in this life and I ran for nothing,” she finally takes a breath.

“I’m sorry. If I had any idea you were out there, I would have helped Bobby get you to meet us. I think, hell I KNOW there were some cases when having you would have made things turn out so differently. I can already see changes in him because of you. I gotta thank you for Cas too. It’s like he’s had a weight lifted off of him, and man, he deserves all he can of that.”

“Oh, well, where’s that coffee huh?” suddenly feeling very uncomfortable at Dean’s sincerity.

“Sorry, I just wanted to say that I see that having you here is a good thing no matter what I say sometimes.”

“Yeah, no, I get it. It’s just… a lot.”

“Sorry, we’ll just wrap it up soon when they get back?”

“That’d be awesome.”

“‘Kay,” he leans in and whispers, “watch this,” then straightens up. “Now listen!” he yells and immediately Sam and Cas are entering the room. Alexa laughs as Dean gives her a wink and things do seem easier.

“Dean!” Sam tiredly scolds.

“No it’s fine, we both just got a bit overprotective”

After a brief silence Sam clears his throat, “So, um, after Dick Roman, what did you do?”

“Well, I waited for an ‘all clear basically’ but it never came. So I just kinda ventured out on my own. Things seemed to calm down and go back to normal weird for a bit, then there was the talk of closing the gates of Hell, and the tablet, and the fall,” she gets quiet again then speaks again softer, “I prayed to you again hoping you had made it somehow. Obviously I didn’t get an answer.”

“Sorry about that, I was human at that time and couldn’t have responded.”

“Yeah becoming human after eons as a celestial being is totally disorienting.”

Sensing that this could go on for a while Dean speaks up, “so after the fall, I mean that was only a few years ago…”

“Yeah, I have to admit that I pretty much stopped when that happened. I had no idea if I wouldn’t be recognized by an angel, if the others were still around, I didn’t think it was safe for me so I only responded to emails I got and didn’t send any out.”

“That explains a lot actually,” Sam looks at the floor.

“I slowly came back out when the Darkness was released and talk of Lucifer being out again began to sound more and more credible. And now we’re kinda here.”

“I have more questions but, they’re, I guess, personal,” Sam admits.

“Oh,” is all Alexa can squeak out as Dean clears his throat and Cas squints.

“How ‘bout dinner? Huh? I’m hungry. What’d you say guys? Food?” Dean eagerly tries to change the subject.

“Are you avoiding going into detail of your side so that you can leave faster?” Sam ignores him.

“What? Why would I? No. I’m avoiding my side because I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why not? Don’t you think some of us would like to know what you were doing while not trying to get in touch? Oh, sorry. You kept praying to Cas. So I guess it was just me you didn’t want to get in touch with.”

“Sam,” Dean and Cas warn in unison.

“I, that’s not what happened.”

“Then what?”

“I told you. I thought you died. Humans don’t tend to come back from that. Before that you had Jess so you wouldn’t want me, and then after, what did it matter? It wasn’t pretty, I did things I didn’t want to sometimes.”

“In all that research though, didn’t you ever come across our names? Figure out that we were alive? Did you ever once get curious who Bobby’s boys were? Do you have any idea how much I blamed myself for your death? Told myself that if I had just gone with you, whoever grabbed you wouldn’t have? That we could’ve had a life somewhere? A normal life! Like the one we had up until winter break? Wouldn’t that have been better?” he slumps in his chair as he runs out of breath.

It’s silent until a weak voice breaks through. “No. Easier maybe, but not better. After hearing everything the three of you have done, what kind of world would it have even been? No, the world needs the Winchesters. Every time I ran across your name it was only John and Henry Winchester. And it was all from the past, in short entries that I never fully got in order. Huge chunks are still missing. And you shouldn’t blame yourself for my faked,” she stresses, “death, I could have contacted you but I was protecting you. And like I said you had Jess. You two were happy. You didn’t need me breaking that.”

“I wanted you more.” All heads turn to him.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t let that happen. You deserved to be happy, and you needed to save the world. I don’t regret how I turned out, and you, you’re so much more than just the good man and lawyer you could’ve been. You’re a badass monster hunter who’s saved the world multiple times and literally looked at the face of God, while dealing with demons, angels, and things people think are only Hollywood creations. You all are so much more. You’re legends. There’s no way I could turn down helping people like this for a normal white picket fence life.”

“It wasn’t your choice to make alone! You made a decision that changed MY life too. Without consulting me, or asking ME!” he stands and crowds her personal space.

“What would you have had me do?! Answer one of your calls and tell you that I’m on the run because my entire family was killed by something and I’m most likely the prime suspect! You were going to be a lawyer Sam, how would that look on a resume to have a fugitive girlfriend? Or was it when I decided to not meet you when Bobby asked because I was already too close to him and knew there was no way I would be able to leave if one of his sons were even half the man he was? Or how about after you died the second time and I didn’t know you could grieve someone all over again?”

The bunker door closing makes both of them jump. “I guess he really was hungry.”

“Really? I take back what I just said about you; you’re an idiot. He’s not hungry you scared them off,” she starts to walk away from him.

“Me? Hey, where’re you going?” he asks trailing her.

“Yes you. You started it. And I’m going to my room. I’m ending this argument and going to bed. And don’t follow me.”

“I’m not following you. My bedroom’s across from your’s remember.”

“Fine,” she says slamming the door of her room.

“Fine,” Sam mocks slamming his and crawling into bed. _Why the hell is she so infuriating and why do you always choose to fight when you really just want to kiss her? Because it’s wrong to just randomly kiss people Sam. And oh great now she’s got you talking to yourself and in the third person no less._

Pulling out an old notebook Alexa starts pulling out sheets and laying them around her. Occasionally she tears out a fresh sheet, scribbles something down and places it amongst the others. She continues this until there’s a knock on her door. “Go away Sam,” she calls.

The door opens slowly, “not Sam, that ok?” Dean asks.

“Sorry, I just,” but he stops her.

“No need to explain. Are you hungry? Cas and I brought back some burgers, Sam got his when we came back but when you didn’t show up I thought I’d check in on ya.” his eyes start trying to decipher the pages but he doesn’t mention them.

“Oh. Thanks, but I’m ok. Maybe before I go to bed.”

“Um yeah, it’s already almost midnight.”

“Oh.”

“What is all this anyway?”

“Nothing, um, sorry for making you worry. I’ll go heat up the burger and get some sleep,” she hurriedly starts sweeping the sheets into a pile.

Grabbing her arm gently Dean leans in, “hey, not what I meant. If you need to work on, this,” he gestures to the floor, “go ahead, just letting you know there’s food in the kitchen if you want it. Ok? Night.” and with that he turns and walks towards his room.

Alexa lets the pages in her hands fall to the floor. _How is it possible that this was easier when they were dead?_ With a sigh she starts to get ready for bed.


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

 

She’s in a cold damp warehouse, it’s silent except for the pouring rain outside. Suddenly there’s a loud crackling noise, not quite like thunder, causing her to startle and turn. “Now the fun can begin” the voice says, followed by a spotlight shining on a figure and Sam. Taking a step forward, the figure takes out a blade, she stops. “Smart girl,” it teases. She needs to think of something and absentmindedly takes a step again to turn around but it’s too late. “Too close, you did this,” and the blade pierces Sam’s chest as she wakes in a cold sweat.

 

The next day passes without major event, mainly because she and Sam avoid each other. Masterfully. He comes in for coffee, she leaves to get dressed. She’s in the library reading, he does research in the kitchen. They avoid Cas and Dean’s looks just as easily. When Dean and Cas leave to go on a food run she decides to take a shower and head to bed after making a sandwich. _This is fine._

* * *

 

There’s a loud beeping, but she has no urge to turn it off. Movement beside her causes her to open her eyes, she’s in a much different bed than the one she fell asleep in. Then there’s a hand on the small of her back, lips kissing the back of her head, and a sleep rough voice saying ‘it is not morning yet.’. She smiles while rolling over looking into golden green eyes today. She knows their owner is smiling too without looking at his lips before said lips are on her’s. It’s a slow sweet kiss, and it makes her want to stay in bed much longer than she can. They both have to get to class. Pulling away Sam heads to the bathroom while she starts the coffee and gets out the bagels and fruit. When he comes out, she heads in, and he puts the bagels in the toaster. She’s not sure when their routine started, but this is it now. Back in the kitchen, they sit down to eat, sharing silent jokes, and asking what the plan is for later that night. When they’re done they head to the bedroom to get dressed for the day. Grabbing their things they head to campus. Before going their respective ways, Sam pulls her in for a hug like normal. What’s not normal is before pulling away, he whispers ‘love you Lex’, and quickly goes for their usual kiss when he realizes what he said. ‘Um. I. Oh god. Hey, if you don’t, it’s totally,” but she pulls him back down for their kiss and whispers ‘I love you too Sam’ against his lips. Today they’ve added a new part to their routine.

 

When Alexa wakes up all she can do is cry. That Sam’s gone isn’t he? She’s grieved him, multiple times, but somehow he’s asleep in the room across the hall. Drying her eyes she decides to get up and go to the kitchen. She doesn’t want coffee though. Today she needs tea and her book. When she gets to the kitchen, she finds Cas already sitting there.

“Hey Cas, everything alright?” she asks.

“Oh, good morning Alexa. Yes, everything is fine,” looking her over with slightly squinty eyes he asks, “how about you? Did you sleep alright?”

“Um, yeah, guess so. Still a little weird waking up in a strange bed and all, but hey, I’m kind of used to that at the same time. I think what’s weird is that it’s the same strange bed I wake up in,” she stops her rambling with a thought. _What the fuck??? Girl stop talking. He’s going to think you’re insane._

“Right, I think,” he responds. After a pause he starts getting fidgety. _Do angels fidget?_

“What do you want to say/ask?” she says continuing to look for the tea. _Maybe I should just ask. They may not even have any._

“I know I shouldn’t, Dean said I shouldn’t, but, yesterday, you and Sam,” he says unsurely.

Alexa lets the cabinet door close a little too loudly, “I don’t want to talk about it.” _Love you Lex_ she hears again. “We’re just not, getting along I guess. It happens sometimes. Especially when people grow apart.” She gives up her search momentarily to look at the angel.

“But you didn’t ‘grow apart’.” A _ir quotes really? Is he Joey?_ “You were seperated by unnatural circumstances. Maybe you’re just.” but he’s cut off when Sam walks in from his run.

“Hey guys, morning.”

“Morning,” they say in unison.

Sam clears his throat, “uh Lex, can I talk to you a minute?”

“Um, sure, but first, do you guys own any tea, I’ve been looking since I came in here.”

Laughing Sam goes to a cabinet and reaches in, pulling out a box and handing it to her, “have to hide it so Dean doesn’t throw it out.”

“The horror! You know I love coffee as much, if not more than, the next person but,” she’s cut off when Sam finishes for her.

“But some days you just need a good cuppa,” he says with a soft smile.

It’s her turn to clear her throat, “exactly. So, uh, what did you want to talk about?”

“Well, just let me get this out ok?” At her nod he continues, “I acted like an ass the past couple of days, and you were fully in the right to act how you did yesterday. I just wanted to say I was sorry.”

“Oh. I guess I wasn’t much better, even though I had the right, it didn’t mean it was the right thing to do. I’m sorry too.”

“Are we, ok? I was thinking, maybe we could go out today. I could show you around, if you wanted, that is,” he can’t seem to make eye contact. _Why does he look like he’s asking me out? Wait. Is he?_ “Like I said, you don’t have to.” _Shit. I waited too long._

“No, that sounds fun,” she offers with a slightly unsure smile.

“Great! Let me get changed and then we can go, I’ll buy you breakfast,” he almost runs towards his room. She looks back to where Cas was sitting and he’s gone. _When did he leave?_

A few minutes later she hears footsteps and assumes it’s Sam. Finishing her tea, she stands and starts, “I’ll just get,” but stops when she sees it’s Dean.

“Morning!”

“You got a case, or just in the middle of an episode of something?” she asks nodding to his laptop.

“Case. Should be easy though. Sammy and I should be able to take care of it in a day or two.” He misses the way her face falls at being left out. Ok, she may not be emotionally ready for a hunt yet, but at the same time she’s getting a bit tired of the same few rooms.

“Oh, hey Dean,” Sam says coming back into the kitchen.

“Mornin’ Sammy. Got us a case. Shouldn’t take us more than a couple days if we’re thrown for a loop.” Sam looks over at Alexa who just shrugs and walks over to make another cup. _At least I can finish my book today._

“Ah, ok, yeah. I’ll go get my things.”

Heading to the garage to meet Dean, Sam stops Alexa before she goes in her room, “hey, I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine. It’s the job, right?” Putting on her best fake smile she adds, “go kick some ass.” _At least one of us will._

Before she knows it, he’s pulling her into a hug, and then kissing the top of her head. Huffing a “thanks”, he turns to resume his way to the garage, calling out a “Love you Lex,” over his shoulder.

 

Alexa closes the door to her room behind her, and slides down to the floor. _No. No no no no. That didn’t happen. You heard wrong. It was just the dream. You can’t have that anymore. He doesn’t mean it. It was just habit. Except that it’s only been a few days._ She stays like that until she hears a soft knock on the door.

“Alexa?” Cas calls.

“Yeah,” she sniffs.

“Perhaps you would like to see more of the bunker. Or go out?”

“I don’t know,” she says honestly.

“Perhaps the shooting range? Something tells me you would enjoy that.”

“I don’t feel like going out anymore, Cas.”

“We wouldn’t have to leave the bunker Alexa.”

Opening the door a crack, “what?”

  
Her and Cas spend the rest of the day in a state of awkwardness just outside comfortable. There’s no issue between them, yet it’s obvious they don’t know how to act with one another. If one has a question, it’s typically a subject the other would rather not talk about. She’s worried about Sam and Dean, although Cas had received a few calls from them. Including one where they needed info on something. It was awesome to feel useful again, and comfortable. That was her element. She falls asleep pretty quickly that night.

* * *

 

She can’t breathe. She can’t move. Every which way she tries, is stopped by some force. She listens, she can hear a fight, but can only see pitch black.

 

“Sammy?” Dean screams.

“I’m fine Dean!” Sam shouts back.

“Where the hell is he? Cas, you got anything?”

“No Dean, it seems there’s some kind of spell hiding him.”

“What about Alexa? Sam asks.

“I’m sorry, Sam,” Cas answers gravely.

 

Alexa screams. _They have to hear me if I can hear them, right?_ She screams again, but then she notices that nothing’s coming out, and she’s only finding it harder and harder to breathe. She focuses back on the fight. Whatever they’re looking for must have found them. There’re crashes, and metal clinking. Then she hears Sam and Dean scream. Instantly she knows. Cas. She hears Sam yelling at Dean to get up, to keep fighting, but there’s no answer besides Sam’s own scream. _This has to be a dream. Please be a dream. God, please be a dream. Let me wake up._ But she doesn’t. Instead she hears a dark laugh and then a single gunshot. Then everything is black and silent.

 

She wakes up and needs outside. And to throw up. And scream. All at once. Running out of her room she heads to the bathroom. _Well, don’t have to do that anymore._ She just stands unsure where to go next. She heads to the gun range. And screams. As loud and as long as she can. By the end she’s just in tears and hyperventilating. _I’m not this much of a mess. This doesn’t happen to me. It’s here. I need out of this place. Away from them._

She goes to the kitchen for her usual post-nightmare coffee. She almost wishes Cas were there this morning, but also thankful he’s not. She’s so tired, but refuses to go back to sleep. _You don’t REALLY need sleep do you? Ugh I’m hopeless._

Making it to the kitchen table, she puts her head down. Hearing footsteps she’s startled awake. _Shit._ Quickly getting up to make the coffee like normal, she fumbles with the coffee pot and knocks over the grounds. _Shit._ Seeing what happened Sam _(of course they’re back)_ rushes over. He’s instantly sweeping up and throwing out and all around being nice. _The bastard._

“Sam stop!”

“I’m trying to help,” he has no idea what he’s done wrong now.

“I don’t need your help. It’s coffee. I think I can handle it!”

“Then why is it on the floor?” he yells back.

The rest of the day they would keep snapping at each other over everything. They were sitting too close to the other, one of them was doing that annoying habit the other hated, etc. Dean kept a close eye on them, and before too long he was suggesting they head to bed early and get some sleep. _Ha. Like that would happen._

* * *

Again she’s walking through the woods, there’s a scream, and she goes to help. Inside the cabin is empty except for Sam and Dean unconscious and tied up in the corner. Behind her the door closes and Cas runs in, a look of horror on his face. Turning to her he begins asking her how she could do this, what happened, then suddenly his mouth hangs open as his grace erupts from him. Falling to her knees she hears the clatter of the angel blade as it falls from her hand. She looks back at Sam and Dean only they’re not unconscious, they’re dead. She wakes with a wildly beating heart and tear streaked cheeks; the only thought is that they’re going to end up dead if she stays with them.

She makes her way to the kitchen to start the coffee. Cas used to sit with her but that stopped after the first few nights. She’s noticed how they dance around her, like she’s a caged animal about to attack, the little snippy arguments with Sam getting worse, but she also puts it off as her sleep deprived mind making things up. Each night she’s getting less and less sleep but the dreams still come. After a week, she’s down to about an hour, and waking up as soon as she sees the brothers. She knows that if she sees them, they’re all going to die by her hand and she can’t go through that again. Or worse when they leave her wanting to stay in the dream reality.

This morning Dean is sitting at the table looking tired,and wearing sleep pants and a rumpled t-shirt. He clearly got out of bed just to talk to her. Holding out a mug when she walks in, “morning,” is all he says til she sits and takes a sip.

“Uh, morning.”

“Listen, I wanted to catch you before the others got up, I know that look. You’re about to bolt, but I’m not here to stop you. If you need to go, I get it, but I’m gonna suggest a way to do it that will be easier to handle for everyone, ok?” he looks up and she can’t help but think that he doesn’t want to do this.

“We have this friend, Jody. She’s good people, a hunter, she’s like a second mom to us. I think it might be a good idea, if you happen to be in the neighborhood, maybe stop in. You can tell her whatever you feel is enough, and she can tell us that you’re ok. The only condition to any or none of this, is when you make up your mind for good, about wanting to be with us or not, is that you tell Sammy in person. I’m willing to take the fallout this time from both of them, but only because I think you’ll make the right choice but just need space. Cas was able to trust you way back then, and hell, that tells me enough. But I still have to look out for my little brother and if you stay here right now it’s going to hurt both of you. So, um, “ he sniffs, “keep Jody in mind if you want,” he slides over a business card and gets up from his seat, put his mug in the sink, and walks out.

 

Sitting a minute longer to finish her cup, Alexa gets up and makes her way to her room where she packs as quickly and quietly as she can.


End file.
